Top Chef - Who won the baseball game?

I don't really feel like blogging.  Especially about Top Chef.  They should play this season in front of spies to get them to talk.  "I TELL YOU EVERYTHING, JUST PLEASE TURN IT OFF!"

I'm not going to break down tonight's episode very much.  The chef's cooked at the ballpark of the Washington Nationals.  I'm a big baseball fan. It's evident by the books in my house, the things hanging on my walls and the logo of the Cincinnatti Reds tattooed on my ankle.  Ralph, Jimmy and I all have our teams tattooed in the same spot. Left ankle.  Jimmy and I had decided to do it together and then he went and did it without me.  Traitor!  Then on Ralph's 38th birthday the three of us were in Billings. Ralph's wife was out of town. He says "I need to do something while Anjie is gone" Before I could stop myself ( which is a huge affliction I suffer from) I said " Let's get tattoos".  Ralph " GREAT IDEA!".  The next morning we got inked. Jimmy has four or five now.  It's a cool thing.  He's an elementary school teacher.  He also has enough tattoos to officially work in a carnival.  That's how they get hired.  You walk into the carney union hall and if you have enough ink done, you're hired on the spot.  He does have all of his teeth though but they look past that when they see the cutthroat trout on his right shoulder.  Or the logo fromt he University of Wyoming where he received his masters. Or the tribute to his late parents. Or the logo of Eastern Montana College where both he and his daughter graduated.  But I digress.

Top Chef - It's barely worth the time

After my mosque post, I'm a little skittish. Afterall, if they're asked to make a traditional Islamic dish I'm fucked. Proper fucked. Hopefully they'll be asked to make loaves and fishes.

Alex is a douchebag.

The quickfire is a mystery box blah blah blah. I'm predicting Angelo.  He is the most creative chef left. The others are playing checkers while he is playing chess. Watch out for Tiffany though. More on why later.

Some hippie is the guest judge. But he's well respected by the contestants so he mus be somebody. Nice burns.

MCW theme,Top Chef, and a couple odds and ends.

OK loyal readers, here's the deal.  I'm heading to North Dakota on Sunday to drum up some work in the oil patch.  I don't know when I'll be back next week.  I'll try to auto-post my MCW theme as I don't know what kind of computer access I'll have. 

Drove to the Ruby Dam this morning and closed a pretty good rental contract.  Boss is happy so that makes me happy.  Much work to do in ND with the Bakken Oil Field going strong.

Here's the theme and it's for the ladies and I hope I can explain it well enough (sorry Buzz, don't hate me because I'm beautiful).  Pick the romantic comedy you would like to have starred in and why.  Maybe it's not your favorite but it has the actor/Diane Lane actress you most want to smooch.

Top Chef was booooooooooring again this week.  The guest jugs judge was giving Gayle and Padma a run for their money and that was the highlight.  Oh yeah, whatshisface helped Tameesha get knocked out of the compettion.    That's it.  Heading to Miles City on Sunday for golf and steaks and then on to Williston to ply my wares.  Have a great weekend everyone.  Here's a few more pictures from the 21st annual LBOH.

After the break.

Top Chef DC - Week 4

I can't believe how much this season is sucking.  It's boring as hell.  Angelo is a complete douchbag and I have never rooted against anyone as hard I am rooting against him.  Is he a good chef?  As the 8-Ball says "all signs say yes"  of course if you asked the 8-Ball, does every other contestant want to kick him in the balls you'd get the same answer. 

So here's my highlights.  Tiffany was showing the goods a little bit at Whole Foods and I found myself openly rooting for them her.  Kenny is falling off the pace, Angelo is far and away the favorite and everyone else is pretty boring.  Andrea has a little two face thing going on.  I don't know what to think of it but Seinfeld explains it perfectly.



BTW "quirky" (is that the new PC term?) Arnold and Lynn are both sleeping in their own beds again.

And if blogger doesn't start getting it's shit together, I'm driving to their headquarter's and giving them a little attitude adjustment.  There will be a lot of shredded pocket protectors strewn about when I'm finished.  Who's with me?

Top Chef DC - Week 3

Sorry I'm late in posting this.  My work cell rang off the hook at home Wednesday night.  If I wasn't a commission salesman I'd be pissed, but I am one and I'll take every call anytime.  Well, except golf league night.  And weekends.  And for chrissakes don't call me when I'm at 2 for 1's on Tuesday night or happy hour on Friday.  Or before 7 AM any day.  Basically just call me during normal business hours and I'll be glad to give you my "here's the deal" speech.  But not during lunch.

Ex-girlfriend calling wanting a carpet cleaner now.  It's pure pandemonium.  If I thought that was code for anything physical I'd be there in a heartbeat, but she honestly needs to clean her carpets.

From my notes: Prediction - Tracey is gone. 

I hate having to wear reading glasses. I really don't have to, but it is easier on my eyes.  I don't need anymore help in the "looking cool" category.

Top Chef in DC - Week 2, still no hot chicks.

As week two got underway I waited with little anticipation to take my notes to write this review.  There's just something missing about this season.  Yes, we have some cocky chef's.  Yes, there is already a rivalry between Angelo and Kenny albeit not one where you can really take sides.  Angelo is a little schwarmy and wimpy all at the same time and Kenny is kind of a pissy whiner.  You want to beat Angelo, Kenny?  Here's a hint:  Cook better food.

Anyway, quick fire with Assistant White House Chef Sam Kaas.  Kaas is also a bigwhig in America hater the First Lady's Let's Move campaign to fight childhood obesity.  When did the position of "First Lady" come with a political agenda?  I don't care what letter is behind your name, there is no job description for first lady in the Constitution and no first lady should be allowed this kind of power.  From "Just say no" to this, it is a complete waste of taxpayer dollars and resources.  For crying outloud, when Clinton was president his wife tried to take over 1/6 of the economy with healthcare.  ITS NOT THEIR JOB.  Michelle, how about this?  You make sure the kids are doing well in school, iron some shirts, have some of the gals over for tea and let your inept, incompentent gutless husband continue to take us to economic ruin.  He really doesn't need your help.  But I digress.

Top Chef in DC, the beggining.

Well it's season 7 of Top Chef.  This year's show is set against the backdrop of our nation's capitol Washington, DC.  Hmmmm. I'm firing up the DVR and already wondering what congressman is going to be on the show first.  I guarandamntee it will be a democrat. 

Well, that didn't take long, Nancy Pelosi is in the opening scenes.  I couldn't really hear her say anything so I didn't throw up.  It's the little things that make me happy.  Contestants are introducing themselves with their stories of where they are from and how they became chef's.  I'm rooting against Tiffany solely because she like's the former coke addict Obama.  I don't like the dude with the really long hair.  Have to figure out who is gay, who is the caterer, who is the self taught chef blah, blah, blah.

Padma and Mini Me Tom are here for the quick fire challenge.  Peeiling potatoes, breaking down chickens.  Pandamonium already.  Its a good thing it's not "Top Knife" cause Kenny is FAST with a knife.  He wins every slicing portion but Angelo wins the quickfire and 20 large.

So now everyone are is are DAMMIT!....... They put everyone one teams and I'm waiting for someone to have a really big screw up.  Always happens the first 5 or 6 episodes with this many people. Again that didn't take long.  Long hair guy evidently can't read and set his oven temps wrong and burned his nuts.  Macadamia's that is. Badabump.

Food is being served.  Padma, Tom, Eric, Gail and the twins are on sight now to taste the food.  Everything gets sampled and Padma says her weekly "Let's go to the judges table" and they all walk out.  Looking forward to hearing Tom tell people "Yo Dog, that soup was too pitchy. Know what I'm a sayin?"

Angelo wins the elimination challenge.  At this point I'm thinking the lady who screwed up her chicken liver and long hair with his maple syrup ice cream dish are on the chopping block.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand its long hair.  Dude got kind of emotional.  Here's a hint for the kids out there.  Don't make a dessert unless you are a dessert specialist and that's all you do.  Dessert's are the mongooses to the chef's snakes.  Just sayin.

Next week looks good.  Cussing, crying, finger pointing and that's just Tom in the bathroom.

Once they get rid of 4 or 5 more contestants I'll know who I really don't like. Always looking on the bright side. The show will get better.  The posts, meh, not so much.

I like the early start time.  I'm more sober and can read my own writing.  You can't believe how nice that is.

Sayonora Sucker!!

Top Chef week 4 reviseted. No spoilers.

OK, I said I wasn't going to blog about this but I'm watching it now and are you effing kidding me? Ashley just said the ranchers "are a motley crew". WTF??? Your hair hasn't seen a comb in five years. I have combs!! I haven't used one in ten years. And a brush that was left at my house (why, well that's how life goes). But what I am saying is this, all the combs and brushes in my house have seen more action than this "woman's" hair has and she is calling these guys a "motley crew" give me an effing break. Someone throw me a bone here.

Ash (not Ashley tough to keep them straigt as they are same sex and all) says he thinks he could be a rancher. Hey dickhead, try sticking your arm up a cows ass to try to pull out a calf that's been dead for two days and watch it break in half like my step-brother Chris and I did. The smell almost made me puke. Chris just kept trying to get the calf out but that's an entirely different story. That's being "a rancher" you dickhead (notice I didn't call him "a f*ck, getting soft in my old age).

The guest judge is wearing a hat that I wouldn't bury my dog with. He is an arrogant ass and needs taken down a notch. I'm not shitting you. If you're going to wear a hat like that, you'd better be able to swing a rope and I highly doubt this asshat can. I used to be able to rope. I can rope like an 8-year-old girl these days but I bet my 401k to this buys wallet I can out rope him. There is just something about him that screams "MRM come down here and kick my ass" which I would gladly do. Maybe it's just me but this guy needs taken to the wood shed and given his comeuppance. Humility is a good thing.

OK, now I see the guest judges shirt and I'm even more pissed. God how I want to just have one swing. Just one. I just hate men who dress like women.

Not saying I'm surprised by who won but I am shockedm, shocked at who went home.

Enough Crown. I have to drive to Alder tomorrow for God's sake.

Top Chef week 4

Didn't watch it yet. It's 10:30 Montana time. I'll catch it on DVR but I'm not blogging about it as I don't have the energy. For what I am sure will be a great report go see The Troll Report . He's a Gator fan but don't hold that against him. Now that the "Old Ball Coach" isn't there anymore I can take the Gators. At least until they play Bama in the SEC Championship (National Championship Game) this year. Roooooooooolllll Tide. Sorry Kym and Pam, the power still lies to the southeast of O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A. OKLAHOMA!!!!! At least they made a great musical. "there's a bright golden haze on the meadow" Oh, What a Beautiful Morning Not the version I was looking for but as good as I could do.

Top Chef Week #4

Some chef everyone is supposed to know is on blah, blah, blah. Quick fire is to make something with snails. Winner gets elimination, loser goes home. Hmmm. That's never happened before now. Lots of pressure.

Winna, winna, chicken dinna!! Kevin takes the challenge but Jennifer is in the top again. She is going to be tough to beat. The bottom three dishes are all women and no man has been sent home yet. The three losers are going to have 20 minutes to make another dish. Its a walk off .
Jessie, take your tattooed breasts, pierced eyes, lips, ears and God only knows what else and hit the road. I'm not lying. I was rooting for Ashley to be gone. One more week of her matted hair. My brother uses the "f" word a lot. He's a welder and has his own shop and sometimes his fingers get in the way so he has an excuse. Saying "f*ck" because you can't find a sauce pan in a kitchen full of them, well, that's pushing it for me.

Jennifer is the only woman who can hang with the men at this point. They get to pick partners, cooking a sauce and a protein. I need a beer at this point. Ashley is cooking with Matin, who could out cook her drunk. I hope she doesn't fuck up. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. See? THAT'S proper usage.

Too many teams to name. Not to sound like a sexist bastard, which I am quite capable of doing, but if you have a chick on your team that isn't Jennifer, I would be worried.

Meals have been served and at this point I'm not feeling good for Hector and Ash. A man may be home by nights end. Lot's of frenchmen at the table. Careful boys, thems napkins, not surrender flags.

Jennifer, the whatchamacallem brothers, and Jersey Mike are in the winners group and Brian wins his second challenge.

Judgement time for the bottom tier. Matin and Ashley (gosh WHO saw that coming?) Hector and Ash. Nostradamus, paging Mr. Nostradamus. Commercial for the suspense. I'm saying that Hector hits the road. He's screwed up on beef twice now. Beef! C'mon man. People are cooking with rabbit for God's sake and they're kicking your ass! Pick it up a notch. Commercial is over and Hector is hitting the bricks. I liked him and I'd eat at his joint if I could. Vaya con dios Hector.

I like that they sent two people home this week. Keep doing that til Ashley is gone. Lord knows I don't ask for much.

Top Chef week 3

Pretty boring this week. I'm really starting to openly root against Ashely. She is a foul-mouth mean spirited bitch. No wonder she doesn't like men. Who would have her?

Some Laurine chick is talking. She's not on much. Never in the hunt on a quick fire challenge. Never in the hunt to win an elimination challenge. Never in the "pack your knives and go" bunch. Just in the middle making bland food.

Jennifer wins her second quick fire. What?! No 15 grand? That's bullshit.

The elimination challenge is to cook for 300 of our finest in the U.S. Air Force. Mike and Bryan have a sister in the Air Force so they are into it. A couple of others have family who have served as well. Making great food for 300 in a military kitchen is going to be a great challenge.

I won't get into the details of the cooking, blah, blah, hint of this, blah, blah, dab of that. Mike B is the winner and again he wins nothing. I thought this was a competition with prizes and stuff. Hmmm. Maybe I'm wrong.

Mike from Jersey was in the winners bracket as he cooked with Mike B and now is in the losers bracket. He is not a happy camper and the judges are hammering him. Preeti's pasta salad was lame, Judges are hammering her and Laurine as well who is getting a lot of air time this week. Even Padma is a little angry. Padma. Can you believe it? Maybe the Colonel chewed their collective asses for something.

Preeti is gone. Wow! Three women in the first 3 weeks. (Insert more time in the bathroom joke here) Jennifer is the only woman who can hang with the men. The others are going to start dropping as well. Despite Mike's wimpy shrimp salad, he can outcook the rest of the chicks except Jen.

Channel surfing and "Casablanca" is on. In the top 10 for best movies of all time. Do they make women like Ingrid Bergmen anymore? The last scene had Bolero playing in the background. Everyone smokes. Now some German citizens escaping the war are toasting to America. Something that the present occupants of the Whitehouse never do.

Damn it. I didn't see this on the schedule so I couldn't DVR it and it doesn't have another listing. Damn it!!

Bogey as Rick. Rick was a true man. He rigs his own roulette table to help a Bulgarian couple get enough money to leave Casablanca much to the dismay of Captain Rennault who had another idea for helping the beautiful Bulgarian get her transfer papers. Rennault to Rick upon learning of the rigged roulette game "As I suspected, you're a rank sentimentalist." One of the many classic lines from this movie.

Top Chef week 2

Had a work call come in right as the show was starting so I only know that Mike B wins the Quickfire and the 15 large. As noted by Chef Troll last week the amount of people with tattoos this season is very high. We aren't talking about "I love Suzy" on a bicep or a rose pedal above the pantie line but full on arm sleeves, wrap around neck gear and cleavage art from armpit to armpit. And that's just the chicks.

I have a tattoo. A small one on my left ankle of the Cincinnati Reds. Ralph has the Boston Red Sox in the same place as does Jimmy with the St. Louis Cardinals. You can see mine if you're in the shower with me (are you reading this Padma?) or when I'm golfing and that's about it.

Tonight's challenge is a men vs. women affair. Men cooking for a bachelorette party and women for a bachelor party. Chefs are cooking and my feeling is that the women will lose this battle. It's pretty gay actually. Speaking of gay, Ashley is making a political statement about how hard this competition is for her because she is gay and can't get married. Just shut up and cook. I want my ex-wife to weigh 400 pounds and I'm not going to get my way. Life's hard. Deal with it. I'm starting to think that Ashley is gone already. She's losing her focus.

Holy shit! Preeti just said that she is gay. I didn't totally see this coming and I'm not overly surprised but kind of bummed. She's a nice enough looking gal who just needs to grow her hair out. My gaydar should have went off last week when she said her vice was a "Makers Mark Manhattan". Not a lot of "ladies" drink bourbon.

Ashley is still bitching about not being able to get married. The sooner her whiny ass is gone the better. Padma just showed up. The gals from the bachelorette party are getting into bikinis. Please, oh please, let Padma get into a bikini. C'mon God, You know I don't ask for much.

After watching all the food sampling, I'm thinking that the men are on the spot and that one of them will be gone. Afterall, a woman went home last week and Bravo has to keep it even.

A U2 commercial is on about Blackberries. God, I hate Bono. I just want to bitch slap those fucking glasses off his face, grab him by the throat and just start bashing his face. Then I'd, oh, commercial is over.

Padma is calling four men to the judges tables so they are the winners. Bryan is the overall winner. So I'm wrong about a man going home. That doesn't happen very often. His brother won the Quickfire. I can't wait for one of them to go home. Sick of the the whole brother thing already and it's only week two. By the way, if you think its a mere coincidence that they are on the same season, you are retarded.

Pierced lips Jessie is crying as gets her dish raked over the coals. Eve is next. She sounds like JarJar Binks when she talks. "Mesa think my disha gooda". I know a few people from Michigan and they talk pretty normal but its almost as if English is a second language for her. Preeti is holding her own against the judges and Ashley is not looking so good. Making two dishes probably wasn't her bet move. It's going to be a tough call but I'm changing my prediction to Jessie.

Eve is hasta la vista baby! Wow, twice in one episode that I erred in my judgement. I'd better check my bible to make sure that isn't on of the signs of the Apocalypse. Eve takes it like a champ though. No whining, a smile on her face and wishes the best to everyone. If I were Jessie or Ashley, I would spend as much time on The Strip as I could because neither of them is long for this competition. Padma doesn't get naked or even in a bikini. Sigh. Maybe next week.

Top Chef Finale, The Crime of the Century

Well, its official. Tom Colicchio hates Stefan. How else do you explain giving Hosea the championship. I'm not saying that Hosea is a bad chef. I had him going off at 6-1 but c'mon! He doesn't win jack shit all season, stays above the bottom and you give him the title? What a flippin ripoff. He didn't even want to be Top Chef. He just wanted to beat Stefan. Carla could have won and if Tom would have said "Hosea, you're second" he would have went apeshit just because he finished higher than Stefan. I think next year there should be a cumulative point scale and whoever has the least amount of points at the end of the week packs up their knives. Kind of like NASCAR. Just put me in charge of this already.

Tom is very intimidated by Stefan. Does he feel inferior? This was evident last week when he told Stefan that he was "cocky". Hey Colicchio!! Its supposed to be about the fucking food! You shouldn't care if Stefan is stirring a pot with his barefoot and smoking a cigar in the kitchen. If it tastes good, it tastes good. Get over yourself already. Is it just me or does Tom look like a dwarf when he's standing next to Padma?

By the way, if Carla would have paid attention to her oven temp and not ruin her soufle, she wins going away. It would have been her third win in four weeks. Tough break. Yes, I have said how much she annoys me, and yes, last week she won with Campbells soup and Bac-O-Bits but she really did bring it the last few weeks.

Did anyone notice the shanker on Stefan's forehead? To me that is obviously a razor cut. I'm sure Stefan has shaved his head more than once but a little advice from one Kojak to another. Don't use the same razor on your head as you do your face. Avoid unsightly scabs and irritation by using Headgear. Its a great product. Chicks don't dig open sores on your scalp.

It was nice to see Gail back. I like what her husband bought her for a wedding present. She was always a little top heavy but last night I thought she was going to smother in her own augmentation. You go girl!

The season went by so fast. Thank God NASCAR is back.

Padma. Call me.

No Top Chef update

I missed Top Chef the other night but caught it on the DVR. I was on the road all day yesterday and watched the Twin 150's from Daytona last night.

Here's the lowdown. Leah is gone, Stefan was on backed into a corner but rope-a-doped his way out of it. Karla makes great peas and looks hot in straight hair and Fabio finally won an elimination challenge and he did it with a broken finger. Padma made me have to take a cold shower. Your final four are Karla, Stefon, Fabio and Hosea. Stefon will not stumble again.

I'm changing things up a little next week. I'm moving Music Monday to Tuesday Tunes (I like alliteration alot) I'm joining the minions for Mute Mondays. I already have my haiku written. Wrote it driving south I-15 yesterday. Its barely legible but I can decipher it.

THE DAYTONA 500 IS JUST OVER 48 HOURS AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Man Alive, We're Down to Five

How much salt is enough?

So, last night's episode was pretty boring and very predictable. The quick fire has to do with filleting fish and some Frenchy is the guest judge. I have no doubt that Stefan is going to win this. Josea takes him down to the final challenge, skinning and filleting a fresh water eel, but he is no match for Stefan. He wins this going away. Even Josea knew he had lost. The French guest judge (Frenchy, we'll call him) was actually a nice guy. Not near the spineless prick that most Frenchmen are.

There is no immunity any longer for winning the quickfire but you do get an advantage for the elimination challenge.

Everyone goes to Frenchy's restaurant for lunch. He is serving a six course meal. Hmmmmm, six courses, six contestants. I am seeing this challenge from a mile away. Jamie is being her wretched self. Sorry, can't stand her. I don't care that she's gay or has tattoos but it's her constant scowl and pissy attitude that rub me the wrong way. Every course is fish as this is Frenchy's specialty. I think Stefan sees this challenge coming as well. He seemed to be the only one really paying attention to the courses and their ingredients.

Jamie's gets some kind of fish with celery and comments on how she hates celery. After every course has been served the challenge is announced and guess what? They each have to cook a course. Stefan gets to choose his (just give him the win for the night right now) and the rest draw knives. Jamie gets the celery. Can you say karma?

Food is cooked and served and Carla is in the top group again. She is starting to peak at the right time and just typing that made me puke in my mouth a little. Those bug eyes, that annoying voice, her brown nosing attitude. Blek.

The three facing elimination are Leah, Josea and Jamie.

I'm going to bitch about Tom a little. The Troll pointed out last week that Tom is the one who is always saying "its about the food". He criticized Josea, who owns a seafood restaurant, for not doing a better job, well, because he (Josea) owns a seafood restaurant. Was the food good or not? It doesn't matter if he owns a hundred seafood joints or has never baited a hook Tom. Remember?

Also, Jamie is criticized for having too much salt in her celery (that's not an innuendo of any kind BTW). All season these judges have been bitching that there isn't enough salt. Poor Jamie, it's back to sprinkling pixie dust on the tilt-o-whirl for her.

Stefan wins but Carla was right there. Its frightening to think of really. A Stefan/Carla battle to the death? Stefan is so far ahead of everyone else that its almost not worth watching. I'm sure there will be another close one, but he's is kicking ass.

Oh yeah, Josea, you might think about picking up your things around the Top Chef apartment and booking a flight to Colorado. I have a feeling that you won't be there much longer.

Top Chef: Six is the limit.

Am I the next Nostradamus?

So at the beginning of last nights episode I had a premonition that Jeff would be gone.

Carla begins by saying she is better than she is, Leah reminding us that she can't hold her booze and Stefan oozing confidence.

The quickfire challenge was based on superbowl squares. The vertical column was one kind of ingredient and the horizontal column was oats. That's right. Oats. A stupid challenge with no immunity for winning. I will say though that this was a perfect opportunity for someone to make a chicken fried steak using crushed oats. A chance not taken yet again.

Jeff does his usual too much food and not enough time and it's becoming more apparent every week that Fabio does not respond to criticism well. Anyway, all the food is crusted in oats. Leah proves yet again that she can't cook fish and Stefan wins the quickfire which surprises no one with an IQ above room temperature.

The elimination challenge is some kind of all-star competition. The current contestants against contestants from the previous four seasons. Jeff's hair is Gary without the "r" and Carla continues to annoy me to the point of wanting to bury her in the forest somewhere. If Carla goes on to win the entire competition, which she won't, but if she does she should take 1o grand of the prize money and have a first class boob job. That and a haircut and some new glasses.

Padma is HOT in her referee's uniform. Yowza! Put her on the list of future wives.

Padma: "Personal foul on The Duke. Undressing the judge with his eyes. Penalty is nudging me for breakfast in the morning and it will be accessed after the kickoff." wink wink.

Me: "You naughty, naughty girl."

So the battles begin. Each contestant goes head to head with one of the previous seasons contestants, judges vote on the winners and so do five tasters from some culinary school. Season 5 contestants who lose to the all-stars face elimination.

I'm not going to break down each matchup. I got up kind of early to write this as I was too lazy to do it last night. The TC New York team wins but Stefan is facing elimination. Hosea is an ass and I'm rooting against him for the rest of the competition.

Jeff, pack up your knives, your faggy haircut, and what's left of your manhood (if there was any to begin with ) and hit the road. I think I had Jeff at 6-1 too. I've been waiting for him to really show me something. What he showed me is that some chick from Miami is a better cook, better football player and someone I'd prefer to see naked.

Did I mention that I predicted Jeff would be gone? I am brilliant.

Another week with Carla and Jaime. Just listening to Carla makes me want to hammer a screwdriver in my ear canal. Oh, last week I predicted a man would be gone as well. Its three against three and its time for a chick to go. A woman out of the kitchen? What am I saying?

Top Chef, and then there were seven

A woman will not win this thing. Why? Because they're insane.

Last night on Top Chef the event was the annual restaurant wars. A great event wherein the two quickfire winners get to select their own team, name a restaurant, give it a theme, decorate it and choose a menu they will serve. Leah and Rhadika were the two winners. Both of them showed two things last night, neither are ready to run their own joint and neither can handle the pressure they are almost sure to feel as the season progresses towards the championship. Make it three times. Both would rather lose than pick Stefan. A lack of intelligence which almost proves that they vote democrat.

Rhadika showed she has all the organizational skills and warming personality to host a restaraunt as a spider monkey. Leah proved that trying to make out with Hosea the night before one of the biggest competitions of the season tends to take away your focus. She spent most of the next day worrying about getting the Aunt Jemima treatment from him then she did focusing on her cooking.

Rhadika made the worst mistake of either of them. Given first choice to pick her team, she chosen the carney tattooed swashbukling dyk that is Jaime. Leah quickly followed suit by letting her loins do the choosing in selecting Hosea first. Hmmm, the best chef on the show is still Stefan and no one picks him? Further proof that logic seems non existent with this species. Stefan is chosen last. LAST! Are you shitting me? The guy that hasn't even sniffed elimination is left to last because "he's arrogant". Listen dumbasses, it's all about winning. They guy has the most experience, creativity and confidence of anyone on the show. You chicks in your 20's need to get your heads out of your asses and think about that next time.


So the wars are on, themes and menu's are chosen.


Rhadika pisses down both legs as hostess. Jeff cooks an OK meal, Jaime's soup is good and Carla's desert tastes like feet.

Over at Leah's, Hosea does well with the short ribs and Fabio is fanfuckingtastic as a host. Leah, the owner of the restaurant, cooks fish that the judges wont finish. It's so bad they won't even finish the meal. Now, I might not be the best cook. When Shake and Bake is a house specialty, its hard to make that claim, but I've never had anyone send my food back.

Enter Stefan's dessert. It saved the meal and absolutely blew the judges away. These are people that respect a good dessert but don't give it as much weight as the rest of the meal. This, along with Fabio's hosting ability, wins the competition for Leah and keeps her from being eliminated because if her team loses she's gone faster than a beer at a hotdog eating contest.

Here's the lesson. If you get a chance to pick a teammate, pick Stefan. He's head and shoulders above the rest, confident and if you listen to him he'll make sure you win along with him. Get it?

Carla continues to avoid elimination which is absolutely mind shocking. Her dessert wasn't as good as a dilly bar from DQ and she still gets to stay.

Rhadika, pack up your knives and go. I had you going at 25-1 and didn't expect you to leave for a couple more weeks. BTW, lose the dress you were wearing last night. You're pretty hot but that dress looked liked you bought it at Chicago Tent and Awning. The judges continue to send home the attractive women while letting the ugos stay on for much undeserved screen time.

I don't know what will happen next week. I have even money on a man going home as they outnumber the chicks now. Call it a hunch.

Top Chef 1 down 8 to go

Take your spray on tan and hit the road!

So let me get this straight. Arianne butchers the meat, that Hosea should have, Leah ties the meat because for some reason Arianne isnt good at it, and they send Arianne home? Those sexist bastards. I told you they would even it out. Tom tried to stick up for her but that loud mouthed Brit would have none of it. Did anyone else notice that the lamb was the viewers favorite? Good bye Arianne you semi hot cougaresqued New Jerseyite. We will miss your smile and fake tan.

On the winners side Stefan's team won. What is surprising is that he won with the two highest handicappers in the field, Carla and Jaime. This just proves how talented Stefan is. Jaime bitched at him the entire time about the menu and he relented somewhat but kept it enough his way to be the winner.

Rhadika contributed almost nothing to her team as well and I thought she would be taking a hike.

Previews for next week's episode show Leah trying to crawl in bed with Hosea. Just as I predicted.

Handicapping "Top Chef" part 2

After a rocky start Ariane has been bringing the heat. She has two elimination wins and one quickfire win. This is what you're going to here about the top four: they're all creative, they're all cool under pressure and they can all cook. If Ariane has one disadvantage to the other three, its that she is a caterer by trade and not a top trained chef. Still, she hasn't been on the brink of elimination since about week three. I have her at 5-1.





Here's the darkhorse, if you can call a guy getting 4-1 a darkhorse. Jeff hasn't won an elimination challenge or a quickfire but I do not believe he's been in the even close to elimination. His dishes are always well received. He's just missed winning a couple of times. If he has a draw back its that he always picks something that needs an incredible amount of prep time so he's just barely finishing at times and I think that has cost him. He'll be in the final four and then it will get real interesting.

Fabio. The name says it all. He's Italian with the Mediterranean attitude to fit the bill and he can cook. He has been in the elimination group once, so when he misses, he can miss big. But he also hits it out of the park as his two elimination wins have proven. He's an outstanding chef. He's creative, funny and I sure he's a fan favorite so he'll be around til the last three weeks. 3-1.

Stefan is the man to beat. He's won a quickfire and two elimination challenges and hasn't even sniffed being eliminated. He's bold, confident and his creativity is heads and shoulders above the rest. You will start to see a lot of resentment as they get closer to the finish. His determination that this is a competition is what really separates him. He and Fabio are the Euros in this and right now they're pals but look for him to distance himself from Fabio when the chips are down. 2-1.

There you have it. The top nine as handicapped by the one, the only, The Duke. Enjoy.

Handicapping the 9 finalists on "Top Chef" part 1

This is it people. The final nine fry cooks on Bravo's "Top Chef" and I'm going to give you the odds on where to put your money. This of course is not how they will fair as Bravo does more elimination by gender then cooking ability but if they disregard gender then this is definitely an accurate description of the odds. Let me remind you that Gail is not on the show anymore this season. Something to do with getting married, blah, blah blah. Its too late Gail. The damage is done. The really hot girls were eliminated early with your help as you were to threatened by their beauty to judge their ability accurately. Padma is not threatened by any woman, unlike you Gail, who should be judging fast food and not world class cuisine.

This is Carla. I originally had her at a gazillion to one to win this competition but have since lowered those odds to 200-1. I'm not going to get into bios, what they do and where they're from, I'm just going to give you the lowdown as I've seen it with my keen yet so objective eye and what I've seen is that Carla can't cook and shouldn't be in the final nine. She's a nice lady yada yada. She hasn't won a single quickfire or elimination challenge. Her food is boring and uninspired and I hate her hair. 200-1.

This Jaime. She has lots of tattoos. She is a mean spirited wench and a lesbian. She's not a very good cook either. She has won one elimination challenge and no quickfires. She is abrasive, thinks she knows everything and I'm sure they will keep her on the show just for her attitude which will be a travesty. Quick sidebar: there are five women and four men left. The top four highest handicaps according to me are all women so we will see if the judges agree or if they let ratings dictate their decisions. Oh wait, its TV. Never mind. Anyway I have Jaime at 100-1. Nice pants

This is Leah. This is a very flattering picture of her. She's above average looking but this picture makes her look closer to a 10, which she isn't, then the 7 that she is. I have her at 75-1 but she could easily be 10-1. She's won an elimination challenge and two quickfires but something tells me that as this competition gets tougher with more pressure she is going to fold up like an ironing board at a dry cleaners. I just made that up. Pretty clever huh? She has a thing for Hosea and I'm sure she wants to give him some of her home cookin. Bada bump bump. 75-1.

This is Rhadika. She's a cute little chef of Indian (the country in Asia) descent. Rhadika has won each a quickfire and an elimination challenge but is always in the hunt at the end of the day. She has a little more originality then the above. She's calm under pressure has enough charm to win you over and takes criticism well. I have her at 25-1 but she could be 10-1 or better if the competition at the top of the ladder wasn't so stiff.

This is Hosea. I have him at 6-1. He's won two elimination challenges and one quickfire. He's a self taught chef which is pretty cool. Like Rhadika, he's original and pretty calm under pressure. One of the elimination challenges he won was after a fridge door had been left open and he had to redo his portion of the competition. The rest of the group helped him (I think Rhadika was also effected) but he really pulled it together to win that round. Because he hasn't had formal training, his thinking is really outside the box. 6-1.

Well, there's the first five who should be gone. Its not whether they leave in order, the purpose of this is to let you know who is going to win and I think I have a good idea so stay tuned for part 2.