If you don't like the weather...........

So, Wednesday it was like 47 degrees. The Bridgers hardly had any snow and I was thinking about four-wheeling this weekend. A little snow storm came through yesterday and dumped over 8 inches on us. Now I'm going to go snowmobiling. It helps to be diversified.

This is kind of the view from my office window. The light was still dull as I took these pretty early. If I remember and I'm not being lazy I'll take a better picture that really shows the mountains.

Just a picture of some snow. I need The Prodigy here. It would be knee deep on him and really show you all the scale. Heyooooooooooooooooo!

The Mustang Ranch

The Mustang Ranch and the $850 billion bail-out.

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed.

Now, we are trusting the economy of our countryand 850+ Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze. Now if that doesn't make you nervous, what does???

Top Chef Finale, The Crime of the Century

Well, its official. Tom Colicchio hates Stefan. How else do you explain giving Hosea the championship. I'm not saying that Hosea is a bad chef. I had him going off at 6-1 but c'mon! He doesn't win jack shit all season, stays above the bottom and you give him the title? What a flippin ripoff. He didn't even want to be Top Chef. He just wanted to beat Stefan. Carla could have won and if Tom would have said "Hosea, you're second" he would have went apeshit just because he finished higher than Stefan. I think next year there should be a cumulative point scale and whoever has the least amount of points at the end of the week packs up their knives. Kind of like NASCAR. Just put me in charge of this already.

Tom is very intimidated by Stefan. Does he feel inferior? This was evident last week when he told Stefan that he was "cocky". Hey Colicchio!! Its supposed to be about the fucking food! You shouldn't care if Stefan is stirring a pot with his barefoot and smoking a cigar in the kitchen. If it tastes good, it tastes good. Get over yourself already. Is it just me or does Tom look like a dwarf when he's standing next to Padma?

By the way, if Carla would have paid attention to her oven temp and not ruin her soufle, she wins going away. It would have been her third win in four weeks. Tough break. Yes, I have said how much she annoys me, and yes, last week she won with Campbells soup and Bac-O-Bits but she really did bring it the last few weeks.

Did anyone notice the shanker on Stefan's forehead? To me that is obviously a razor cut. I'm sure Stefan has shaved his head more than once but a little advice from one Kojak to another. Don't use the same razor on your head as you do your face. Avoid unsightly scabs and irritation by using Headgear. Its a great product. Chicks don't dig open sores on your scalp.

It was nice to see Gail back. I like what her husband bought her for a wedding present. She was always a little top heavy but last night I thought she was going to smother in her own augmentation. You go girl!

The season went by so fast. Thank God NASCAR is back.

Padma. Call me.

Tuesday Tunes 2/24/09

Here's this week's playlist. 20 songs for you listening pleasure. The original version of the song is immediately followed by what I determined to be a quality cover of said song.

I'm taking suggestions on weekly themes.

Enjoy.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/15247524875

Mute Monday 2/23/09

history repeats
when those in power are lapse
in proper judgement

A Frightning Perspective....

How many digits does your Calculator hold??

If you spent $10,000,000.00 a day. That's correct, $10 Million a Day every single Day since Christ (That would be Jesus Christ, for clarification) was born you wouldn't exceed the amount of Money the Federal Government has spent on Bailouts. Do ya think there is trouble brewing?

$10,000,000.00
x
2009
x
365.25 (Accounting for Leap Year)
=
$7,337,872,500,000.00 (That's 7.3 Trillion Freakin Dollars)

http://www.ritholtz.com/blog/2008/11/78-trillion-bailout/

Change we can belive in. Yup.

Received this via email. Its on the internet so it has to be true. Right?

Thought provoking or not?

The top right hand corner of Page 17 of the New York Post of January 24th, 2009, was ashort column entitled "Replacing Michelle"

In the National Review "The Week" column. I found this interesting, so here it is, word for word, as it appeared two days ago.....

'Some employees are simply irreplaceable. Take Michelle Obama: The University of Chicago Medical center hired her in 2002 to run "programs for community relation, neighborhood outreach, volunteer recruitment, staff diversity and minority contracting."

In 2005 the hospital raised her salary from $120,000 to $317,000 - nearly twice what her husband made as a Senator.

Oh did we mention that her husband had just become a US Senator? He sure had. Requested a $1 Million earmark for the UC Medical Center, in fact. Way to network Michelle!
But now that Mrs. Obama has resigned, the hospital says her position will remain unfilled. How can that be, if the work she did was vital enough to be worth $317,000?

We can think of only one explanation: Senator Roland Burris's wife wasn't interested.

---The Editors of National Review,
writing in the Magazine's Feb 9 issue.'

So there you have it. We can all draw our own conclusions.

Old music is great

I was making a youtube playlist for Delm and Ralph and found this Gladys Knight video of "I've got to use my Imagination". She is flat out getting after it and The Pips are at the top of their game. I was too young to realize how hot she was back then but Gladys had it going on!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfzC9Zy_d_A

I'll Play Along... My Favorite Movies That Start with the Letter "B"

Other Than Bull Durham, in no Particular Order...

1) Bull Durham -Without question, the best Baseball movie ever. And Costner's best effort, as we have discussed, he should stay in that role.

2) Basic Instinct -Sharon Stone in her prime... Need I say more.. It wasn't a bad plot either.

3) Bad Boys - I'm not sure why, but dammit, I still think it's funny!

4) Batman -Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson were Brilliant, Kim Bassinger was nice as well. "Never rub another man's rhubarb. "

5) Better off Dead -If ya haven't seen it, "I want my 2 Dollars"

6) The Breakfast Club -It's not my fault, I was at an impressionable age.

7) Braveheart -Ahhh, to the humble beginnings of the land of Scotch. If ya had to wear a skirt to drink it, I'd grow a beard and learn to play the bagpipes too.

8) Back to the Future -"His name is Calvin Klein"

9) Bridge on the River Kwai -Quite possibly, Top 10 of all time.

10) Bruce Almighty -Only becuase I had to find a way to fit Jennifer Anniston into this somehow. "Back to you F$%kers.." It was this or The Breakup... you decide

Honorable Mention: The Blues Brothers, Ben Hur, Boogie Nights, Billy Madison, Black Hawk Down (These all could make the Top 10 in any given conversation...)

Cheers,

-The Prodigy

Tribute to Chef Troll

I want to give kudos to Chef Troll. Somehow he found my blog and in the meantime recommended to me that I read the people who post on his. This is one of the reasons I became a blogger. I now spend more time reading you folks than the big blogs that I follow.

brothers
bigfoot
board games
backgammon
bloggers

I know I can get to 20.

You all are making this more fun than I had hoped. Standing ovation to you.

Needle The Prodigy if you get the chance. He has a new baby but should still be posting more. The kid is freakin brilliant and an excellent writer.

Meme B

I asked to be in a meme group being run my kmwthay at her blog. She gave me the letter "b". I have to list ten things I love that start with b.

burger - I could eat burger two meals a day. Easy to make. Almost impossible to ruin. Burger is in meatloaf and tacos. Two of my other favorite foods. Hmmmmmmmmm burger.

bacon - Why does it have to be so bad for you? Bacon is almost a perfect food. Anytime someone wants to make a meal better, they put bacon in it. Dogs like bacon, cats like bacon, I like bacon. One of the coolest things about it is that it can be combined with burgers. A bacon cheeseburger is the perfect meal. To bad cheese starts with a "c".

baseball - The most pure of sports. Well, until the anti-Christ Bud Selig became commissioner. No other sport still resembles its humble beginnings as much as baseball. They play a meaningful regular season. They play almost everyday. No other sport has people flocking to their spring practice like baseball. Dad was a baseball nut, so is the most brilliant woman on the planet, sister Mary. Over one third of the books I own are about baseball.

bobcats - As in the Montana State University Fighting Bobcats. My beloved alma mater's mascot and the reason for much of my success in life. We will crush the liberal arts school down the road this year. I guarantee it.

Bill - My brother. 15 months my junior, he made the comment several years ago that the reason we didn't get a long so well was because we "have nothing in common". Hmmm. We have an almost identical movie collection, watch the same TV programs without even recommending them to one another, enjoy the same books and our island CD's list is very close. Yeah, nothing in common. He was born on Mother's Day. It still makes me puke.

birdies - As in one under par. They are very rare in my golf game. My birdie dance is a thing of beauty and wonderment. The best part is that when I make a birdie it is almost 100% guaranteed that I won the hole and the money.

bovine wine - You lay people call it milk. I drink almost a quart a day. Not that pasteurized crap either. Pure organic. Its the only food I will drive to the store to get if I am craving it. It does a body good.

babes - What can I say, I love women. I love the way they smell, the touch of their skin. I love their hair and the sound of their voice. They're like tomatoes though. Its so hard to find a good one.

buddies - Life without the lifelong friends I have and the ones along the way wouldn't be as sweet. Its hard to find a buddy who will drive a nail through a board to go look for those Canadians who dented your car, but I have at least one of those. It makes life good.

barnes' cabin - Celebrated every birthday there since 1997 and won't quit going there for that "fateful day" until I am unable to ride a snowmobile into it. The generosity of this family has blessed me. I have my own keys for God's sake. How cool is that?


Thanks kmwthay

The stimulus is here, hooray!!!!

Democrats with money are like a mule with a spinning wheel, no one knows how they got it and danged if they know how to use it. - Lyle Langly.

President Obamaclause is signing the stimulus bill today. This all but guarantees that the United States is on its way to becoming a first rate, second rate nation. Our importance and influence in the world is effectively over with this legislation. Yipfuckingeee. Just for the record, 787 billion dollars is $2250 for every man, woman and child in the U.S. Here's an idea you dipshits in DC, how about giving the $787 BILLION (that's 3/4 of a trillion, not counting the interest we will pay to China), to every family or individual who makes $50,000.00 or less. That will stimulate the economy far more than the socialist programs and pork that are in this legislation. I hope Harry Reid has a massive coronary on the Senate floor. Not very Christian I know, but if you read "The Hell Express" you know it's too late for me anyway.

Monorail, monorail, monorail.

Here's your stimulus money ready to go to work. Make sure and watch the youtube.

"Sorry mom, the mob has spoken."

http://www.monorails.org/tmspages/News.html#Anchor-Press-49575

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3xGtjhZ_Yg&feature=related

Tuesday Tunes 2/17/09

Today's play list is inspired by the woman who I kindly refer to as my ex-wife. The theme is witches. These are songs that have a witch theme or are performed by a band with witch in the title. Enjoy! http://www.playlist.com/playlist/15096252427

"Chip. Which broom should I ride to work today? Decisions, decisions."

I'm not bitter. Just going for cheap laughs. I got a nice cauldron out of the deal. I'm sure she's found herself a nice coven and is doing well. Hocus cadabra! Abra copocus!

Mute Monday 2/16/09

Love

family and friends
golf, mustangs, special someones
of course the bobcats

Random thoughts #5

Things that cross my mind while wondering how I've made it this long.



The thing I like best about 70's music is that you have a couple of verses, a chorus, a great guitar solo, another verse then the chorus until the end. Today's music has so little to offer IMO.

What is it about having a Subaru Legacy that makes people think they can drive 70 on snowpack? Every time I meet one of these transplanted California pukes I hope they are going to end up in the ditch wrapped around some ranchers prize Angus bull so it really costs them a lot of money. I know its not very Christian of me but, fuck em.

So President Teleprompter wants to wear polos in the Oval Office instead of a suit. Nice to see a man respect the highest office in the world buy starting a "casual" dress attitude. How far are we from Blue Jean Friday?

No matter how tough the near future may be, there isn't one person reading this who has it tougher than their parents.

Starting over is never easy. Whether its a new job, a project around the house or a relationship. Usually starting over means that somewhere in the process a mistake was made. The key to remember when having to do something a second (or third or fourth) time is to not make the same mistake. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the best definition of insanity I've come across.

Do liberals even read newspapers? Besides the New York Times I mean.

Sales are slow. I've asked a couple of friends to sacrifice a chicken to help me out. I'm waiting for that to happen although I'm still mystified by the magical powers of yardbird.

Roger Goodell totally rigged the Superbowl. His spinelessness as NFL Commissioner is rivalled only by that of Bud Selig. And David Stern. Just show me the money.

The Bobcats have found a pipeline into Texas to recruit some great football players. These kids look like quality students as well. There are a couple that may have a struggle but I have no doubts that Coach Ash will have them lined out. I would love to see us win another national championship before the pukes at Missoula win another one. We need a two championship cushion.

England was covered in snow last week. Global warming? Yeah, that's what I thought. Even though global warming can be dispelled at every turn, it's still at the forefront of political issues that our new dipshit in chief is going to tackle.

Is it just me or do guys like our current President make an Ivy League education decrease in significance. Our last four presidents are all Ivy League men and there isn't one of them who is smarter than me. Not fucking one of them. So, how does having a Harvard, Yale etc education matter more than having one from Montana State? Because the media says so? I knew two kids in my college years that went to Ivy League schools and transferred to MSU. Both were literature majors and both said MSU was much harder. Good enough for me.

I'm single again. You all know the type I'm looking for. Attractive and top heavy. I'm adding to the list: deaf and mute. I can do all the talking myself and women don't listen anyway. So, just so we're all on the same page, I'm looking for a hot deaf woman who can't talk and has big breasts. I'm probably going to have to expand my search past the greater Bozeman area to find one of these. I'm sure there is a website for them. Something like http://www.singledeafhotmutedd.com/ . Keep me posted.

My list of must see television is Top Chef, Family Guy, Burn Notice and the Lumber Liquidators Professional Bowlers Association tour.

The biggest trick the devil ever pulled is convincing the human race he doesn't exist. The biggest trick the media ever pulled is getting Obama elected. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."

If the guy who sings the freecreditreport.com jingles comes out with a greatest hit CD I'm buying it. Kid has more talent than the entire band of Coldplay.

So with all the news of Alex Rodriguez using steroids, we have to have a short conversation. Steroids are rampant in baseball, but they are in every sport. Football, basketball, swimming, track, etc. So what's the big deal with baseball? The big deal is this: no other sport revers its hero's individual accomplishments more than baseball. You can be a great hitter, like Ted Williams, and never win a world championship but your spot among the pantheon of baseball is forever reserved. Your place among the greatest is etched in stone. In other sports, your place among the greats is very dependent upon how many championship teams you were on. In baseball that is very secondary to the individual numbers you put up. This is why steroids in baseball is such a big deal. No other team sport is based upon truly individual effort as is baseball.

While we're on the subject, the steroid era officially begins with the 1996 season. That's the year Brady Anderson of the Baltimore Orioles hit 50 home runs. FIFTY!!He hit 16 on 1995 and 18 in 1997. Yeah, no steroids here. Just a goooooooood training program in 1996.

Quote of the week from The Prodigy after he had just lost at "knock poker" for about the 20th time in a row "This is as much fun as driving from LA to DC on a flat tire." Maybe you had to be there. The utter disgust with constantly being dealt a 2 a 3 and a 7 that were all off-suited and then drawing another 2 was absolutely sidesplitting. I lost $40 on Saturday and still fared better than him. Tommy G and Schmales made out with all the money. It was my birthday dammit!

Going to Vegas in a month with Ralph. The last time we went on vacation together was St. Thomas in 1983. We were young and a long way from home. 26 years of seasoning since then. Hmmm. Wonder what this will be like?

When we went on vacation in 1983, I had dark brown hair. Have I mentioned that?

Montana is the fourth largest state. Yesterday I drove 373 miles. I was never more than 100 miles from Bozeman and I never crossed another state line.

Speaking of my travels. I had lunch in Boulder. I can't remember the name of the place. The Ox somethingorother but they had the best patty melt sandwich in the state. When I run this route again in three weeks, you can damn sure bet that I'll try my best to be in Boulder for lunch.

For the record, the best chicken fried steak is at the Cateye Cafe right here in Bozeman and the best hot beef sandwich is Eddie's Corner. Some people might make an argument on the chicken fried steak. The Western Cafe isn't bad and Gordy in Malta burns a good one at the Hitchin Post but the hot beef sandwich at Eddie's is the best in the state if not the entire galaxy. I leave my mom's early when I'm home visiting just so I can have lunch there. I bet I've had 50 HB's at Eddies and not one single bad one. http://visitmt.com/categories/moreinfo.asp?IDRRecordID=2755&SiteID=1

Valentine's Day is a crummy "holiday". Fucking Hallmark and florists.

Go buy ammunition with every spare dollar you have.

I'm ready to play some golf. Just looking outside is giving me the itch. Sure, its only 30 outside but 50 is coming.

That's it for now. Everyone enjoy the weekend. I'm snowmobiling tomorrow and the Daytona 500 is Sunday. I would like to formerly apologize to all the rednecks I made fun of for the first 35 years of my life. NASCAR is freakin awesome.

Chip

No Top Chef update

I missed Top Chef the other night but caught it on the DVR. I was on the road all day yesterday and watched the Twin 150's from Daytona last night.

Here's the lowdown. Leah is gone, Stefan was on backed into a corner but rope-a-doped his way out of it. Karla makes great peas and looks hot in straight hair and Fabio finally won an elimination challenge and he did it with a broken finger. Padma made me have to take a cold shower. Your final four are Karla, Stefon, Fabio and Hosea. Stefon will not stumble again.

I'm changing things up a little next week. I'm moving Music Monday to Tuesday Tunes (I like alliteration alot) I'm joining the minions for Mute Mondays. I already have my haiku written. Wrote it driving south I-15 yesterday. Its barely legible but I can decipher it.

THE DAYTONA 500 IS JUST OVER 48 HOURS AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

More of the Same....

North Carolina 101 - Duke 87

And a Couple of Firsts... First Time Duke has allowed 100 points at Home since 2005
Tyler Hansbrough and Danny Green are the 1st two UNC Players to go 4-0 at Duke. God Bless em

And I also think the very 1st Tenchincal Foul called on a Duke Player in Cameron Indoor Arena happened. It has to be. My Daughter even asked if Coach K had "real tears" after it happened. She said he looked like he needed his Mommy to snort the boogers out of his nose from so much crying.

Getting older isn't always bad.

So as I informed you last week, I went to the 41st state to celebrate the anniversary of my entering the world. I've been going to The Cabin every year since 1997. It's too awesome to describe and its been a good run birthday celebrations. Here's some action photos from this weekend. Thanks Big Tim.





Gettting the evening started. Covering three of the four food groups in this picture. We have scotch, beer and wine. Its a good start to Friday evening. Our gracious host, Big Tim, in the red cap.

The fourth food group. Ribeye steaks hand cut by Marty. A little olive oil and some "duke" steak seasoning.

I'll tell you when I've had enough Crown! Me and Schamler. 42 years of friendship and going strong.

Schmales is the big winner Friday night, er, Saturday morning. Its been a long time since I stayed up til 3 AM.

The view from the deck of The Cabin. 6900 feet. The mountain is scarred from last year's fire. The Cabin survived but some of the neighbors weren't so lucky.

L to R: The Prodigy, Tommy G, and Schmales. Look at the sky. It was 45 degrees at 2 PM. Awesome. We went back inside to play more cards.

This is how you get to 6900 feet.

Schmaler and The Prodigy chillin before dinner. LETS DEAL SOME MORE CARDS!! (Notice The Prodigy is sporting the colors of our alma mater. Good on ya kid!)

My donation to The Cabin. I know where I can get another one.

link dump 2/11/09

Great moments in chest hair. HT
http://afrojacks.com/pics/pics-gallery?func=detail&id=415#joomimg

More stimulus bullshit. Thanks to all of you who voted for Hussein Obama.
http://gatewaypundit.blogspot.com/2009/02/only-one-tenth-of-stimulus-package-will.html

From Dumb Little Man, how to save money. Some pretty good tips here.
http://www.dumblittleman.com/2009/02/how-to-save-12410-16-easy-ways-to-slash.html

From Cracked, poor product placement ads.
http://www.cracked.com/article_17035_13-worst-possible-ad-placements.html

Valentines' day gifts for single people. HT
http://www.holytaco.com/valentines-day-gift-guide-single-people

The 10 hottest women size 10 and up. Nice list. Hot women. CG
http://www.nerve.com/CS/blogs/scanner/archive/2009/02/09/top-10-hottest-women-size-10-and-up.aspx

Even more stimulus bullshit from noted economists John Lott. Are you getting tired of seeing our money getting wasted? You shouldn't be. President Obama is a joke. What a ruse he has pulled on the public.
http://foxforum.blogs.foxnews.com/2009/02/09/lott_obama_economy/

Cool pictures of frozen stuff.
http://photo.net/editors-picks/2009/frozen-nature-photography/

Tuesday Tunes 2/10/09

Sorry that this is a day late. I was changing ISP's yesterday.

Emil Mailho. Why Emil? Why not. Emil played major league baseball for a brief time in the 1930's and like the members of this list he had only one hit. Enjoy.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/14973665035

Post haste or hasty post

Hello dear readers, I am taking a holiday. Heading to the north slopes of the Bighorn Mountains. Stopping at the Hamm's Bar just north of the parking lot.

Going to drink whiskey and play cards with The Prodigy, Jimmy and Tom. We are celebrating the anniversary of what my mother so dearly refers to as "that fateful day." Sigh.

Check out some of the blogs I follow if you get bored. I'll be back with a story and pictures Monday.

Chip

Thank you sir, may I have another.

The following story is about a night of excessive drinking in my youth. Its rated R. Hey, I'm telling a drinking story so you just as well know that F-Bombs will be dropped. I'm not talking Christian Bale here. Just average guy kind of talk.

"Its a volume deal."

The Prodigy once asked me "do all your stories start out 'this one time Ralph, Danny and I went a got a 12 pack?'"

Nope. Sometimes they start like this.

This one time Delmer, Ralph and I went a got a 12 pack. It was Ralph's birthday. A cause for joyous celebration. Actually, back in those days, we joyously celebrated quite frequently. Virtually any occasion was an excuse. But Ralph's birthday was extra special. Its almost right in the middle of summer. We never cared which night of the week it was on and we drank like fish.

Ralph worked for the BLM on the fire crew. One year he was out fighting fire on his birthday and we had a party at Delmer's without him. It was actually a great party that he missed. A keg at Delm's, loud music, reservation ice cream. The whole nine yards. Then we had to have another party when he got back from the fire. We had to. It was part of the code.

This year though would go down in infamy. Well, if you were Ralph anyway. If you were Delmer or me, it would go down as one of the great stunts we pulled on this cantankerous little shit. I say that with love. Ralph and I have known each other since we were 4. Delm and me also. I'm almost 46 so that means a long time. Fortyfucking six! That's past halfway to death. When I turned forty I told Ralph that I lived my first forty years thinking I was immortal and in the next forty I'm hoping someone discovers a cure for mortality.

All good stories start with a box of beer. Its a scientific fact. Also undisputed is that I have consumed more beer with Ralph than any two other friends of mine combined. Eric and Howard put together might be close but that would be the only combination that would sniff the title. Ralph and I drink beer together. We make fun of each other. We hate each others favorite teams and root against them with all of our might. Its what we do. Its part of why we are best friends.

So we have a box of beer and are cruising Central in my GMC S-15. A beautiful summer night in the Capitol of the Hi-Line. It was so hot that bugs couldn't fly and that's a nice day. We downed our twelve pack and decided to head downtown. It was time to run the trapline.

"Running the trapline" is a process where you start at one end of town and go to each bar and have a shot. Our shot of choice back then was the kamikaze(http://hubpages.com/hub/Kamikaze-Drink). Vodka, triple sec (whatever the hell that is) and lime. Kamos for short with an emphasis on the "O" (kaMOS).

We didn't run a complete trapline. We skipped the Kid Curry and the GN and started at the Mint. We needed to have a drink with Bo, the owner, and play at least one game of pool. It was Ralph's birthday and the world championships of the Mint Bar were not far behind. It was a title that would always elude Ralph. He could have beaten me 100 games in a row during the course of a summer (yeah, whatever) but when we had the world championships, urine would ooze down both of his legs. He was like the Buffalo Bills of the Mint.

From the Mint to the Stockman. We skipped Mustangs Lanes and went to The Hole to have a drink with Sylvia. She liked Ralph and me but she didn't really care for Delmer. Maybe it was the time on his birthday one year when he spit on her. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it had to do with him spitting on her. That was after he was sitting behind Patty Dooner farting but that's another story. When I think of class, Delmer farting, us giggling and Patty yelling "GROSS" is the first thing that comes to mind. Just good old fashioned fun.

We hung around The Hole for a couple of drinks. We knew where this night was going to end. It was going to end at the greatest most awesome bar of all time with the most fun owner who even gave me a charge account. Yup. We were headed to Stine's Nite Club and the unflappable Italian who had an accent even though she grew up in the same town as us, Linda Ruble. It was time for massive quantities of beer, pool, "Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress", "El Paso" and a couple more kamikazes. Banzai.

By the time we made it to Stines, we had a pretty good glow on. A snoot full. More than a little in the bag. You get the idea. I take no credit for this next idea. It was brilliant though and I was a willing participant.

Delmer came up to me when Ralph was in the bathroom.

"I have an idea. Let's start ordering lots of shots but we'll have Chris pour us water and we'll get this little fucker wasted."

At the speed of light I agreed. Chris was bar tending. Linda was sitting with Dave, her boyfriend. We told Chris the plan and everyone was in on it.

Ralph came out of the bathroom and Delmer yelled "Kamos!" Shots were poured and quickly consumed. We racked the table for a vicious game of cutthroat where Delmer and I proceeded to gang up on Ralph game after game. It was soooooo much fun. Ralph's getting pissed, Delm's yelling Kamos! and I'm drinking water. Perfect.

Ralph is really getting lit. We have a round of kamos and Chris takes three dollars.

"Hey, she only, she, she, she only took three dollars" says Ralph.

"I know. We're getting a volume deal."

"That's good thinkin." (Its hard to type this without laughing my ass off. I can visualize Ralph, I can hear him. His eyes drooping with alcohol poisoning, the way he pointed with his finger half bent, the complete trust he had in us not knowing he was getting fucked over. God I miss those days.)

Every once in a while, Chris would sneak in a real shot on Delm and me. Delm was really putting a hurt on Ralph. I should mention here that these two ass munches roomed together in college at the time so it wasn't like they didn't live for this.

It was getting late and time to head home. I have Ralph's official count at 17 shots. That's a bunch for a big man much less a guy with less than a 26 inch inseam (that was fun to type, what are you going to do about it Ralph? Hit me in the throat? Bahahahahaha!).

Delm went home, I dropped off Ralph and drove the three blocks to my house and went downstairs and crashed. I felt sorry for both of them as I didn't have to go to work until 9:30 the next morning. Delm had to be up at 5 I think and Ralph had to be to work by 7.

I woke up at 6:50 the next morning to someone knocking on my door. It was Ralph. I opened the door and he walked right to my phone and started dialing.

"Hey this is Ralph. Umm, I'm not feeling to good today so I'm not going to make it to work. I'll try to make it in tomorrow."

He hung up the phone.

"You couldn't call in sick from your house?" I asked.

"Are you fucking kidding me? My old man won't let me call in hungover. As far as he knows today, I'm at work."

He went downstairs and crawled in my spare bed. I went back to sleep for a couple of hours and went to work.

About 1:30 my phone at work rang. I was managing a convenience store at the time about six blocks from my house. That was the only thing convenient about it for me (just kidding Robinson brothers). It was Ralph. The pain in his voice almost made me feel sorry for him.

"Chip" he said like a raspy three pack a day smoker "do you want to be my best friend for life?"

"Of course I do Ralph."

"Will you bring me a big coke?"

"There's like three of them in my fridge."

"I drank those already."

I went to the fountain machine, poured Ralph a big soda and headed for Sixth Street. It gets hot on the Hi-Line. Like the core of the sun and my house did not have air conditioning. The sight I am about to describe is not for the feint of heart. I opened my door to find Ralph in my recliner almost spread eagle in his tighty whiteys, a wash cloth on his head and sweat running out of every pore. He was ashen almost like an albino. It was all I could do to keep from laughing my ass off.

I handed him his coke.

He looked straight up at me.

"Aren't you hungover?"

"No,"

"How can you not be hungover?"

"I guess I'm not a pussy like you. I can handle my booze."

He let out a low groan.

"Cmon aspirin. Start workin!"

"I don't know Ralph. I don't think I can let you run with me anymore after this."

"I don't want to run with you anymore. This sucks."

"Let me know if you want me to bring home some Midol."

He uttered a barely audible "Fuck you" and I headed out the door.

I went back to work. Delmer stopped in on his way home from his job at Russaero Flying Service.

"I wonder how Ghoulies is doing?"

I told Delm about the events of earlier that day and he starts giggling with that evil Henry smile.

"Lets go see him."

We both headed to my house. When Delmer walked in, his joy at Ralph's misery was almost uncontainable.

"How ya feelin Ralphy? You don't look to good."

"I feel like shit."

"Funny thing," Delmer says "Chipper and I drank as much as you but we're both doing fine. You're kind of a nipple head. Get up and lets go to the Mint."

" I can't make the Mint tonight."

"Fag! Oooooh. What's the matter you big a puss? You were a tough guy last night."

It was almost the perfect crime. Sure there were witnesses but they were sworn to secrecy. Now I know why the mob kills witnesses.

Ralph eventually recovered and we started letting him run with us again. We had been giving him grief about being a light weight for about three weeks. I figured Delmer could keep this secret until at least they graduated. After all, they were roommates and he didn't want Ralph to have a chance of revenge. Linda and Chris were solid and Dave had so much fun watching that he would never sing.

We were meeting at Stines, I believe it was after a softball game. The whole team was there, drinking beer, playing pool. Dave was there as well. That's when the shit hit the fan.

"They fuckin what?" It was loud and it was Ralph. He was standing next to Dave. It barely caught my attention but I remember looking over and seeing Dave smiling and Ralph ready for blood.

"Well, that's it for me. I'm outta here."

"You little fucker!" Ralph screamed at me.

I turned on Delmer like a snake grabbed by its tail. "It was Delmer's idea!"

"That doesn't surprise me. Fucking sneaky Indian." Now lest someone get offended, Delmer really is a Native American and we do call him an Indian on occasion and, well, this was one of those occasions for Ralph. When I say "some of my best friends are Indians" I'm not bullshitting.

God he was mad. Delmer and I would have been more afraid if we weren't laughing so hard. We started mocking him, doing imitations of him from that night. The entire bar is rolling and Ralph is still pissed.

"Fuck you guys. Calling me 'pussy' and 'fag' for three weeks and you didn't even have half as much to drink as I did."

Delm and me still laughing.

Linda chimes in "I thought you would probably end up having your stomach pumped."

Delm "That would have been funny."

Ralph "Fuck you Henry."

That was about 20 years ago. Good times. My vertically challenged friend for life has yet to exact revenge on me or Delmer. Bring it on Ghoulies. Bring it on. I don't sweat you. Come to think of it though, I think I'll room with Delm when we go to Vegas next month. I won't have to keep a frisbee in my shorts that way either.

Man Alive, We're Down to Five

How much salt is enough?

So, last night's episode was pretty boring and very predictable. The quick fire has to do with filleting fish and some Frenchy is the guest judge. I have no doubt that Stefan is going to win this. Josea takes him down to the final challenge, skinning and filleting a fresh water eel, but he is no match for Stefan. He wins this going away. Even Josea knew he had lost. The French guest judge (Frenchy, we'll call him) was actually a nice guy. Not near the spineless prick that most Frenchmen are.

There is no immunity any longer for winning the quickfire but you do get an advantage for the elimination challenge.

Everyone goes to Frenchy's restaurant for lunch. He is serving a six course meal. Hmmmmm, six courses, six contestants. I am seeing this challenge from a mile away. Jamie is being her wretched self. Sorry, can't stand her. I don't care that she's gay or has tattoos but it's her constant scowl and pissy attitude that rub me the wrong way. Every course is fish as this is Frenchy's specialty. I think Stefan sees this challenge coming as well. He seemed to be the only one really paying attention to the courses and their ingredients.

Jamie's gets some kind of fish with celery and comments on how she hates celery. After every course has been served the challenge is announced and guess what? They each have to cook a course. Stefan gets to choose his (just give him the win for the night right now) and the rest draw knives. Jamie gets the celery. Can you say karma?

Food is cooked and served and Carla is in the top group again. She is starting to peak at the right time and just typing that made me puke in my mouth a little. Those bug eyes, that annoying voice, her brown nosing attitude. Blek.

The three facing elimination are Leah, Josea and Jamie.

I'm going to bitch about Tom a little. The Troll pointed out last week that Tom is the one who is always saying "its about the food". He criticized Josea, who owns a seafood restaurant, for not doing a better job, well, because he (Josea) owns a seafood restaurant. Was the food good or not? It doesn't matter if he owns a hundred seafood joints or has never baited a hook Tom. Remember?

Also, Jamie is criticized for having too much salt in her celery (that's not an innuendo of any kind BTW). All season these judges have been bitching that there isn't enough salt. Poor Jamie, it's back to sprinkling pixie dust on the tilt-o-whirl for her.

Stefan wins but Carla was right there. Its frightening to think of really. A Stefan/Carla battle to the death? Stefan is so far ahead of everyone else that its almost not worth watching. I'm sure there will be another close one, but he's is kicking ass.

Oh yeah, Josea, you might think about picking up your things around the Top Chef apartment and booking a flight to Colorado. I have a feeling that you won't be there much longer.

Lance Link dump 2/4/9

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I wish I was this good.

This letter was in today's Chronicle. This guy knocks it out of the park. I especially like the Jonestown reference.

Barack, Michelle and the girls are choosing a dog for the White House. Breed and symbolism are very important, and that is why I suggest that the Obamas choose a very specific dog — a pit bull and Chihuahua mix with three legs from a New York rescue kennel. It’s been a “problem dog” ever since it inappropriately growled at the TV whenever George Bush was on, and defecated on anything having to do with Bush.

What should the Obamas name this dog? That’s an easy one. “Media” in honor of the ever unquestioned loyalty of the U.S. Media to Obama and the thrill Media had run up its leg whenever Obama delivered a scripted missive. The mix is symbolic of the rare combination of lap-dog passivity to the Obamas and the snarling attitude that Media displays whenever confronting a Republican.

The missing leg symbolizes “integrity” — something the Media lost a long time ago.

Media’s tricks? The remarkable ability to roam Obama’s neighborhood, discover the bones of scandal in Barack’s closet and then bury them away in the backyard so they never ever see the light of day.

And the Jonestown-like loyalty Media displays towards its master is legendary, as best represented by its ability to make potty four years ago on newsprint containing the headlines: “Republicans spending $42 million on inauguration while troops die in unarmored Humvees” and “Bush extravagance exceeds any reason during tough economic times.” Today Media pants, wanting only to be petted by Obama, while it sits obediently on headlines reading, “Historic Obama inauguration will cost only $120 million,” “Obama spends $120 million on inauguration; America needs a big party,” and “Citibank executives contribute $8 million to Obama inauguration.” The nation gets the “First Dog” it deserves and Media is his name (conceptual attribution to www.peoplescube.com).

The Sunny Slopes of Long Ago

Its a small picture I know but look at that beautiful head of dark brown hair. It was so nice. I remember getting haircuts. Having the "stylist" accidentally brush her sublime breasts against my shoulder as she told me how nice my hair was.

By the way. Does anyone have a needle and thread? CAUSE I AM RIPPED!!!! Heeyooooooooo.

Monday Playist 2/2/09

Solo-ong
Here's this week's music Monday. This week's theme is artists who either left their band or whose band broke up etc and went on to great solo careers. Most of these choices are quite obvious but I did include one artist whose band was quite obscure. You have to throw a sugarbeeter a bone once in a while. I couldn't include your request for the particular song as the lyrics were to coarse for some of my readers and some people do play this at work.

You'll notice that there is no Don Henley on this list. Its quite simple as he's OVER-RATED CLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCALP OVERRATED CLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP.

Couldn't find any Curt Cobain but at last look, he's definitely solo. He had one great hit. Ouch! I can't believe I went there. HEYOOOOOOOOO.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/14844043019