Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Do women think that their turn signals will burn out from overuse? Is that why they refuse to use them? Hint: there is no such thing as "blinker fluid" and it's the lever on the left side of the steering column in every vehicle. Up means you're turning right, down means you're turning left. It's quite simple and extremely helpful to your fellow drivers. Not even trying to be sexist. It's a statistical fact that women don't know there is such a device. You can look it up.
If bald is so sexy, why aren't more women giving me their number? Does it have anything to do with the above statement? No. Can't be true.
If you're going to wait to put your vehicle in four-wheel drive until after you go in the ditch, do the rest of us a favor and go suck on a .357 magnum. Please.
According to my brother Bill, the secret to good chili is cumin.
Rush Limbaugh did a parody about Barack Obama to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon". Now, this might not be news to some of you but I only recently heard of this. The liberal media is of course very upset about this. Hmmmmmmmmm. The Senate Majority Leader called the president "a loser". Our president is constantly compared to Hitler, there is a movement to have him tried for war crimes after his term ends, democrats leaked classified information to the New York Times that put our troops in harms way and aided terrorists, CBS falsified documents to try to swing an election and the liberal media is up set about this? Now, I'm not saying that every liberal is a yellow-spined faggot who would sell out their own mother to save themselves, but the one's that aren't are as common as the Northern hairy-nosed Wombat. Look that up yourself.
If we keep allowing liberals and academics to limit the way we talk through political correct speech, we just as well learn Russian, carry pictures of Stalin in our wallets and address each other as "comrade".
Its been said that those who can't do teach and that teaching is the easiest degree to obtain in college. Now, I have an education degree and it was easy but my ed classes were far more difficult than any political science courses were. So this begs the question: is having a PhD in political science the same as having an associates degree in art? Yes, I think it is.
Speaking of easy degrees. Political science is easy but what about journalism? Is there a more worthless degree than journalism? The profession has no pride, no ethics, no scruples, no integrity no, well you get the picture. When you look at the people who have journalism "degrees" and their levels of intelligence you can't help but wonder if this isn't a direct result of the ADA.
Speaking of journalists, why do we need women in football? They bring nothing to the game. I like Erin Andrews as much as the next guy, she's scorching hot, but when was the last time you heard anyone say anything about her reporting? When was the last time you were watching a football game and learned something about the game from her that you didn't already know? Exactly. I can turn my television to a number of channels to see hot women, when I'm watching football, I want to see the game and learn more about it. Its not asking for much.
I am becoming more impressed by our president-elect every day. His level of narcissism makes Bill Clinton look humble. PT Barnum was right and there are 50 million votes to prove it.
Tom Cruise is in a new movie. I can't remember the name but I think it translates from German into English as "The shortest Nazi".
I went to "Marley and Me" the other day. Don't go if you have a dog. The sniffling begins with about 30 minutes left and the lady sitting next to be was crying her eyes out at the end. You can tell a really sad movie by when the house lights come on and the house lights didn't come on after this. Not during the credits, not until the last person left. Makes "Old Yeller" look like a classic comedy.
The other problem for me with seeing this movie is that my dog is almost 14. Every night that I've come home since seeing the movie she's just been laying on the couch. She's not eating until late at night and it's freaking me out. I feel like Grogan when he said to Marley "you'll let me know, won't you buddy?" I hope my dog lets me know.
My dad didn't think he would live to see a black (or arab, whatever) president. He didn't. He died 14 years ago. Okay, I stole that last bit from Holy Taco but it's damn funny.
I heard something very interesting the other day. It goes something like this. When you love the leader of your country more than your country, be very careful. People who will swear oaths to men over their country will do everything to protect then man even if it means the demise of the nation he leads. Do you hear this you ignorant bastards who call Barry "The Messiah?" I hope he is successful but those people who get weak kneed, faint, and are "moved" by his presence need to get Dr. Kervorkian's number. They are complete losers and have no worth to society. None.
I'm going to miss the Alabama game on Friday. Michigan is in town to wrestle Oregon State and I don't get to see big time wrestling live like this. I don't have TiVo or a DVR so I'll just have to watch the highlights. Its pissing me off.
Take the Chargers over the Colts this weekend. Just a hunch, but I think San Diego has there number.
Is anyone else as happy as I am about the current situation in Dallas? Is Jerry Jones the biggest asshat in pro sports? If he isn't, then please tell me who is. He is trying to be the Steinbrenner of the NFL. The problem is baseball and football are entirely different when it comes to egos. Baseball has tons of them as well, but in baseball you'll always get your at bats and your chances in the field so this keep egos happy. Football has too many guys who want the ball and not enough plays and chances to go around. It relies for more on chemistry and teamwork than baseball ever will and if a team doesn't have it, like Dallas, then they will forever be underachievers. Couldn't happen to a bigger bunch of assholes as far as I'm concerned.
I haven't blogged about "Top Chef" for a while but the quick update is that the dickhead from New York (redundant I know) is gone and the caterer lady from Jersey has elevated her game. Winning a couple of immunity challenges and two competitions. The two Euros are still doing well but Fabio has slipped a little. Stefan is still the man to beat. He's in the best group week after week and is doing it with one hand tied to his apron. We'll see what the new year brings. He's even money right now.
Would someone please call Bobbie Hauck and tell him he got his ass kicked and couldn't beat Richmond if he played them 1000 times. Honestly, is there a worse loser in all of college sports than this prick? I've been following sports for over 30 years at a bunch of different levels and have never seen a worse sport than him. Amazing.
Thank God for autosave.
One of my new years resolutions is to eat a little healthier. More chicken, less red meat. Another is to become a better blogger.
Speaking of the blog, it wouldn't kill any of you to click on an ad once in awhile. You don't have to buy anything but I might actually get paid for this and after all, isn't it always about me?
Happy New Year.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
I call this first one "nerds".
I like this one because I shop at Ross at its so true.
Superman? Who knew? I guess thats why they call it "action" comics. New meaning to the phrase "man of steel"? Wow, that's in poor taste even for me.
Man alive do I like this Schlitz ad. Further proof that I was born 40 years to late.
Does global warming exist? Well, some scientist actually say no. Of course, they aren't after millions in federal research money to spread the myth that can be dispelled by an 8th grader. The same people who believe in global warming are the same people who voted for Barry O and they aren't retarded, they just have a cold. Just a little one.
Further proof of why moslems cannot be trusted and why Islam is more of a cult than a religion. Personally, I don't think we should have interfered in Bosnia, but hey, that's my opinion.
Here's some advice for relaxing.
From townhall.com the most memorable quotes of 2008
From Holy Taco, the 9 lamest commentator puns. Its a good thing he hasn't found this suckass blog yet. On the other hand, it would be cool to make Holy Taco.
One more from Holy Taco about New Year's resolutions of historic figures. Good stuff Maynard.
Monday, December 29, 2008
IT WAS THE SHERATON HAWAII BOWL...
For God Sakes, this is the most storied program in the history of Collegiate Athletics, the same storied program that happened to beat just their 2nd Bowl eligible opponent of the year. The other being Navy but we've gone there already, for a crowd pleasing 7-7 record.
I think the Packers Head Coach's comments following the win over the 0-16 Lions might be more appropriate:
“I want to politely try to avoid the question here. That’s tough. That’s a tough deal.”
Hey man, if you ND Fans out there can get excited about winning the Hawaii Bowl, I'm happy for ya! But let's establish one thing for certain... Winning the Hawaii Bowl and the excitement it's created is a very clear representation of the State of the Football Program at Notre Dame.
Oh how I long for the arrogance of Notre Dame's past, they used to decline these insignificant Bowls and their petty offerings...
Rally sons of Notre Dame
Sing her glory and sound her fame
Raise her Gold and Blue
And cheer with voices true:
Rah, rah, for Notre Dame
We will fight in every game,
Strong of heart and true to her name
We will ne'er forget her
And will cheer her ever
Loyal to Notre Dame.
Cheer, cheer for Old Notre Dame,
Wake up the echoes cheering her name,
Send a volley cheer on high,
Shake down the thunder from the sky!
What though the odds be great or small,
Old Notre Dame will win over all,
While her loyal sons are marching
Onward to victory!
Rock on Brothers... Rock on!
"Notre Dame's victory was its first in the postseason since it beat Texas A&M in the Cotton Bowl to end the 1993 season. The Irish also avoided consecutive losing seasons."
That my friends is the true definition of a football powerhouse. I was also informed that Notre Dame has 15 starters returning next year. Yipfuckingeee for them. They should go 8-4 with the faggot schedule they play next year. Its even easier than this year's.
Enjoy your first bowl victory since the Clinton administration Goldenhomo's for next year you will most certainly be crushed in the 2009 bowl season.
As for Hawaii, well, Triumph the Dog says it best. At about the one minute mark.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I'm looking forward to the drive home. Well, not really. I'm sure it will snow and be completely shitty. Outside of that though, it will be lots of fun.
I won't be posting for a few days. I wish everyone a safe Christmas season and will be back in a few days.
Merry Christmas to all!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
RICH-MOND SPIDERS!! CLAP-CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP
RICH-MOND SPIDERS!! CLAP-CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP
I have to apologize for my post on Thursday. If I had known that picking the grizzlies to win would make them lose, I'd have picked them the opening round of the playoffs. Now, I know there are Bobcat fans out there who wanted the griz to win because they're from Montana but lets get a couple of things straight. First, most griz fans are complete assholes who act like they've never won a game before and they would never root for the Bobcats if the situation was different. They act as though they are entitled to the BSC championship and the playoffs every year. There is no arguing that the griz have dominated the conference the last 20 years but the 50 prior to that they were nothing more than a mark on the schedule for any team in the Big Sky. And if we aren't going to pay any attention to history, well then, there are a lot of overpaid teachers (redundant I know) out there who should be looking for work.
Did anyone else notice that not only did the griz lose, they totally got their asses handed to them. The trick play in the first quarter for my Spiders first touchdown was a total "fuck you!" to Bobbie Hauck. You never saw that coming did you, you hooknosed faggot. Awesome.
Many Crowns were consumed during the second half, which is a good thing.
One more thing, the griz playing for a national championship does not in any way help MSU's program. Not in the least. If you think it does, then just trade in your blue and gold for the shit colors of hippyville and get the fuck out of town. We don't need your support nor do we want it. The griz going to Chattanoogo helps one program and it sure as hell isn't ours. Figure it out for chistsakes.
Well, I'm off to have a breakfast sandwich and some ice tea then finish my Christmas shopping. Going to my good friends the Trombleys for a Christmas party tonight, cleaning the house tomorrow before I head for the Capitol for Christmas.
I was drinking Crown with my good friend Jenny P last night and remembered the quintessential story of why Malta is the center of the universe. It's coming my friends and its 100% the truth.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I mentioned in an earlier story that I attended Catholic school growing up. St. Mary's "where Catholics are made" I believe was the motto. The actual motto should have been St. Mary's "where we drag you kicking and screaming to church every week despite the fact that you would rather eat dirt than listen to Father (insert Irish name here) speak" but that motto doesn't roll off the tongue near as easily. Hell, I don't even know if we had a motto.
Darrell Gene Kovach was about my best friend back then. We were pretty tight. Jimmy and Ralph kind of hung together, nobody liked Adrian because he was bigger than all of us and a bully at the time. Yet, he still managed to win the "St. Mary's Award for Best Student" when he was in eighth grade. Imagine that.
Adrian was kicking my ass out in front of the school during one noon recess when Sister Jeanette (aka Sister Breadloaves, and yes, they were that big) rounded the corner just as Adrian was bouncing me off the school wall. You could say he was getting the best of me.
Sister Jeanette said "what are you boys doing?" Well, we both knew we'd get in big trouble if we told her the truth and said we were fighting. We also know its a sin to lie. Lies are forgiven by God during Confession on Sundays. Knuckles and palms, when struck with the brute force of a sexually frustrated female from North Dakota, hurt for a long ass time.
"What's going on here?" Sister Jeannette asked.
"We're just playing cops and robbers Sister," I said.
"Well, don't play so rough."
Adrian knew I'd saved both of our asses. I could have ratted him but I didn't want my hands permanently disfigured anymore than he did. He let me off the hook. I'm sure he was confident that I would call him "chunk" or "pudgy" again when I didn't give myself enough of a head start to get away and that he most assuredly would pick up where he left off. Smart that Adrian. Very smart.
This story isn't about one of the many times Adrian kicked one of our scrawny asses at St. Mary's. It isn't about all the fights that we were going to have by the flagpole after school that never happened. It isn't about the time that I flipped off Sister Jeanette and then told her it means "we make war."
No, this story is about the annual sixth grade world day dinner. Its about Darrell getting me in trouble for the quadrillionth time (each of them being worth it). Its about how we had been pushed enough by Sister Helen. So much that we pushed back. She didn't know it but we did. Its the night we both openly gave our souls to Satan, Bobbie Hauck"s older brother, and how we absolutely did not care.
THE VOTE FOR WORLD DAY
World Day was an annual event where the sixth grade class would cook dinner for all the teachers at St. Mary's. Now, not all of the teachers were nuns. There was Mrs. Poulton who was very hot. (Sidebar: Sue was and still is a good looking woman and all the guys at St. Mary's thought she was hot. Her son Cory was my brother Pat's best man and I work with one of Sue's good friends from Dillon High School. Its a small world and Malta is located in its epicenter). Then Mr. Dakken. I think that's the spelling close enough. All the nuns who teach, the one's in the kitchen and Father Donovan. The nicest of the priests who ran St. Mary's during my tenure their.
The World Day dinner had been started the year before. So now that we were doing it again it became an annual event. World Day worked like this: we pick a country, then we all do research on certain aspects and have to give speeches about it. What kind of geography does it have, what's the major religion (besides Catholicism), what is the history, all that kind of stuff. The presentations were made in the church basement and preceded dinner. Of course we get some adult assistance with dinner. There were only three girls in our class and I don't know if any of them can cook to this day. I know that Renee LaFond can kick you in the shins hard enough to make you bleed, but I digress. She was my first kiss by the way. She lives here in Bozeman but I don't see her very often. Anyway.
We chose the great country of Spain. Mostly because I think we all wanted to eat tacos. The years have passed so forgive me if I can't remember much about the presentations that were given before dinner. About the only thing I can remember is that I'm sure I carried whoever was assigned with me. That was usually the case. I'm still surprised I don't' have swayback from all those times. Carrying Darrell through six grades, carrying Ralph through wrestling, you get the picture.
Presentations were given and then dinner was served. Tacos, Spanish rice, some kind of Spanish pork chops and probably ice cream for dessert. Something along those lines.
Toward the end of dinner, things start to go south for Darrell and me. Darrell was, and still is, a great instigator. He has a dirty mind and is always looking for something to be nasty with. I don't know if that was the case this particular evening, all I know is that we got the giggles. We got em bad. We can't stop and Sister Helen will have no part of it. This old broad was hot (not Sue Poulton hot but Alvina grounding you for a year angry) and finally made Darrell and me leave the table and finish our dinner in the kitchen of the church basement.
We probably would have been alright if we had just stopped giggling but being in the kitchen gave us free leave to really laugh out loud. When Sister Helen came in the second time, she was pissed and things almost got physical. She wasn't afraid to hit and hit hard. That's nothing but experience talking right there. We finally let laughter give way to fear and the giggles subside. Sister Helen returns to finish dinner with the adults and "good kids". We knew our time without punishment was limited.
CRUEL FATE, WHY DO YOU MOCK ME?!
Our punishment was swift and not just. Just like a lot of punishments at St. Mary's. Darrell and I would clear the tables, scrape the plates and do the dishes. The rest of the class was free to go. We had to clean everything with Witch Hazel standing ever vigilant.
We scraped, we cleaned, we swept and we mopped and all the time we never made eye contact with each other. That would have been wrong mistake to make. You see, when Darrell and I got the giggles we could eventually get them under control, but just one look would send us off on a laugh frenzy again. We couldn't let this happen. Another outburst and hell would seem like a happy place compared to the punishment we would receive.
We were almost done cleaning and everything was to Sr. Helen's satisfaction. The leftover part of dinner, and there wasn't much, was put in a 8x12 cake pan. A couple of pork chops, some rice and beans and that was about it.
Why Sister Helen gave us the keys to the school is something that will haunt me til the end of time. It is this one act that forever seals our fate. All she had to do was walk into the school with us. That's it. If she does that the pit of eternal damnation would not so eagerly be awaiting me. And Darrell.
Sister Helen gave us the keys to the school with instructions to put the leftovers in the school kitchen. It was her idea and why is anyone's guess.
"Be careful opening the door. The key sticks. Chip, you bring the keys with you in the morning."
I don't know if she was tired or if it was girls night in the convent but she told us to put the food away. This has always struck me as strange. She has to walk right by the school to get to the convent. It would have taken her two minutes to open the door and follow us in. Two minutes. Sometimes that's all it takes to condemn one's soul.
NEXT STOP: HELL!
Sister Helen leaves the church shortly before Darrell and I do. We make sure all the lights are off and that the church door locks behind us. The entire walk from the church to the front door of the school might be 75 yards. Maybe. Not further I'm quite sure.
We screw around with the front door for a couple of minutes and finally get it open. After finding a light switch we make our way to the kitchen. Our task is almost complete. Then Darrell sealed our fate.
"She's such a hag. That was a bunch of shit that we had to clean just 'cause we were laughin."
Yes, we were 12 years old and talked like 20 year vets of the merchant marines.
"She's a bitch Kovach. I can hardly wait to go to the public junior high next year."
"I hope so. Gunsch is going and I hope mom lets me to go too."
Darrell is just getting ready to put the pan in the fridge. He stops for a moment. He sets the pan on the counter and peels back the tin foil. There were the pork chops. Just staring at him. He just looked at them. Then he looked at me.
"Hack up a loogey Gibbs."
"We're going to spit on these pork chops."
Everything sounds like such a good idea at the time.
I couldn't hack a loog on command like Darrell could. He could pull one from his kidney which is a pretty good feat when your twelve. Now I start my day doing it. Funny that.
I'm working to hack one up, Darrell already has a couple good ones sitting on the chops. The best I could do was just spit on them. At least I contributed.
We covered the the pork chops in rice and beans, put the tin foil back on and then I think we might have hugged. It was a great moment.
Out the school, onto the bikes smiling and laughing. Those evil smiles and the cackling laughter that only serial killers know. It was a great end to a great night.
The next day at school Darrell and I were still on the high. We didn't know who was going to eat the pork chops. We just knew that one of our tormentors was going to pay for Sister Helen's sinister behavior of the evening prior.
" Well, I thought last night went rather well," said Sister.
"The presentations were well done. Outside of a couple of you, your behavior was excellent."
Of course, you all know who she was staring at when she said the preceding.
"And dinner was excellent. It was so good that I had a midnight snack last night and ate the last two pork chops."
There are certain moments in your life when time stands still. You can recall what the sky looked like, the aromas in the air, what color dress a certain girl was wearing. This isn't one of those times.
With all of our might Darrell and I hold back our laughter. Never in my life have I been so restrained. Darrell was trying so hard that I actually thought that he might faint. Our evil plan had succeeded beyond our wildest expectations. This sinister act had struck at the one for whom it was most desired. You ate our spit Sister. You ate our spit.
Darrell and I kept this secret for a long time. We couldn't tell anyone. We all know that Marlene would rat us out in a heartbeat.
Tomorrow night is the night for the Spiders to show up and play the game of their lives. They can not allow Bobbie a national championship. It can't happen. It won't happen.
The griz are on a monumental roll through the playoffs. Every break has gone their way. Fumbles by the opposition without being touched. Questionable calls not being reviewed. Key players getting injured at just the right time for the griz. Its enough to make you want to gargle with Liquid Plumber.
The griz are also playing great football. They are taking advantage of every turnover by turning them into points. They aren't turning the ball over. They aren't killing themselves with penalties. Their defense has been incredible and Cole Berquist is showing why he is in the top five best QB's at this level. But.................
The Spiders are good. Sneaky good. They have three losses. One to division I Virginia in Virginia 16-0. The next to top ten Villanova in Nova by 6 and the other to number one James Madison 38-31. Did I mention that Nova and JMU were conference losses? This is a pretty tough football team.
They don't turn the ball over. Their quarterback, while not flashy, has 16 TD's against 7 int's. So they are very disciplined. Josh Vaughn is a load in the backfield. 6'0" and 232 pounds is a load. He's averaging 114 ypg in arguably the toughest conference in I-AA and 5 yards per carry. Eric Ward was a very impressive 28-35 for 280 yards and two touchdowns including the game winner with 12 seconds left. He took his team 70 yards in 1:45 with no timeouts.
My Spiders can hang with hippies from Missoula, but I hate to say it, the griz look unbeatable and I think that will continue to be the case tomorrow night. grizzly fans will be even more obnoxious than they even are right now, if that is at all possible.
Do your part tomorrow griz haters. Wear red and black to support our other favorite team, the Richmond Spiders. Send out a positive vibe for those incredible young men who have the courage to play for a school whose mascot is a bug. Bring your "A" game Spiders. Anything short of that and you will go home disappointed.
Go Spiders! Make the flight from Chatty to Missoula more miserable than a plane load of stinking hippies can already make it. We beseech you , gods of football, give victory to Richmond.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
From the blog "manofest" (quickly becoming a chipshots favorite) is this video on 80's dating tips for women. The video is OK but the write up preceding it is really good. The video talks about how to let a man know your interested. Personally, when you put your hand on my crotch, I can take it from there. That's the sign we're looking for Brian B.
Here's one from Spike about the 10 most important mustaches in the world. Makes me long for the sunny slopes of long ago.
This is from "funtasticus" just pictures of a bunch of bridges from all over the world. Way cool.
Uncoached has this compilation of great shark videos. Totally awesome. Makes me want to take up surfing and scuba diving at the same time. Maybe I could do them both next to a whaling trawler right after it dumps whale guts into the ocean. It also shows how stupid people are. I hate people, especially stupid ones. Very graphic.
Here's one on our president-elect. Thanks to all the fucking retards who voted for him. Thanks to Conservative Grapevine.
13 upcoming re-makes of Hollywood sci-fi classics. Again Conservative Grapevine.
Lastly, pictures of birds. Really, really cool pictures of birds by some chick named Kim Steninger.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
What makes it underrated. The scene where Sharky gets his fingers cut off it redefines toughness. It would really cool if I could find a clip of that on the intraweb but evidently none exists.
Hollywood sucks because they are going to remake this. Again, classics cant be done over.
9) Sneakers (1992.Star: Robert Redford, Hotchick: Mary McDonnell) A great movie with a great premise. Redford's company of misfit thieves is hired to steal some super secret code breaking device. It turns out he's been duped by the mob and his old college buddy who he let go to prison years before.
What makes it underrated: The fact that there probably is such a device and that the government is using it this minute to spy on everyone reading this. Mary McConnell is pretty good looking as she was 40 when they made this movie. I know this is a borderline action movie as it is more suspense, but it has a great ending and an all-star cast and while HBO could be playing this, they instead show shitty Jean Claud Van Dam movies.
8) Stargate (1994: Star: Kurt Russell, Hotchick:Mili Avital) A nerdy James Spader (redundant I know) is able to break a 3,000 year old code and travel through space to a different planet that still speaks Egyptian. Even though the evil ruler has the "Stargate", can travel across the galaxy and has some other kickass stuff, the rest of the planet doesn't have running water. Still I like the part about traveling through space in this manner. Pretty cool.
What makes it underrated: Well kind of nothing. I mean, there is a very successful TV series based on the movie but the movie really didn't do a lot at the box office. Also, speaking of underrated, this Mili chick is the goods I'm here to tell you. She hasn't been in anything else I've ever seen but nonetheless she is one hot Jew. There's a lot of hot Jews when you think about.
7) Cliffhanger (1993: Star: Sly Stallone, Hotchick: Janine Turner)
My favorite Sly movie of all time. Well, because of Janine Turner-Gibbs. Wow. How hot is she? And she's a conservative. So some guys steal some money and there are all of these unbelievable climbing sequences. John Lithgow plays a great psycho criminal, Sly has his three word lines. Janine is HOT. I mean like the white hot glow of a thousand suns hot. They get the bad guys and all is well.
Why it's underrated: Well, if you watched any TBS in the late 90's, it was on like three times a week so maybe not so much underrated but a good plot. Sly comes back right at the moment the bad guys hijack the money plane. They survive at 40,000 feet with a sweater and some money to burn. But there's good action, good fight scene's, lots of bad guys getting killed dramatically and most of all Janine effin Turner. Another woman who if she met me would kick whoever she was with right in the nuts and leave with me. God bless her.
6) High Road to China (1983 Star: Tom Selleck Hot Chick: Bess Armstrong) A womanizing pilot is hired by a spoiled millionaires daughter (is there another kind?) to find her nut job of a father. They must fly Tom's bi-plane across China, stopping conveniently for fuel along the way and rescue Armstrong's father played by Wilford Brimley. This is Brimley's first appearance in the top ten.
Why its underrated: Tom Selleck got hosed in the 80's with his Magnum contract. He was supposed to be Indiana Jones, but that didn't happen. He made a couple of good movies in the 80's, this one, Lassiter, Runaway, An Innocent Man but he just couldn't get away from people calling him Magnum. Selleck is awesome and a great cowboy in the westerns he's done. Also Bess Armstrong is a bit of a smokeshow. She's been in a lot of made for TV movies and is very underrated. Looks great at 55 which isn't out of my target age range.
5) Running Scared (1986 Stars: Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines Hotchick (and I use that term loosely) Darlanne Fluegal. Crystal and Hines are semi-womanizing best friends and detective partners in Chicago. They are reckless and at the top of their game. Crystal inherits a bunch of money and decides to retire to Florida but first they have to bust Julio Gonzalez played by a young Jimmy Smits. They bust Julio, save the Windy City from drugs (yay) and Crystal saves his estranged wife Fluegal. Bullets flying everywhere, they decide they would rather be cops in Chicago then chase incredibly hot women in Florida.
Why its underrated: Crystal and Hines actually come off as being semi-believable as cops. They are both funny, not unbelievably tough. Fluegal looks like she might actually consider sleeping with Crystal. But the best part is Dan Hedaya as the Captain. I remember watching this and saying "Holy shit! Its Nick Tortelli" Good times. He's also the evil South American dictator in "Commando" with Arnold. Here's a classic clip from Cheers with Hedaya as Nick Tortelli. The 1:45 mark is classic "even a shot of vitamin Sammy doesn't work that fast" but the ending is classic with Diane wondering what Nick's charm is that's about the 6:45 mark. It's why Cheers is still my favorite. BTW, the blond is Casey Kasum's wife.
4) Gross Pointe Blank (1997 Star: John Cusack, Hotchick:Minnie Driver) Cusack is an independent hitman going back to his 10th class reunion. He is making his last hit then retiring. He meets up with the very beautiful Minnie Driver who is his high school sweetheart and well blah blah. He saves her dad's life, they fall back in love, Dan Akroyd gets killed by a TV and they live happily ever after.
Why its underrated: Its a great premise is mostly why. Martin goes back to his class reunion, there's a contract out on him. He gets in a couple of fights, some shootouts and hey what can I say, I like John Cusack. I really like the part where here dad asks him what he's doing now days "I'm a professional killer" replies Cusack, "Well, it's a growth industry" says Minnie's old man.
3) Lone Wolf McQuade (1983 Star: THE CHUCK NORRIS, Hotchick (kindof) Barbara Carrera) Tagline "The 'Mad Dog' Criminal...The 'Lone Wolf' Lawman...The Ultimate Showdown" Its Chuck Fucking Norris against David Carradine. Was there ever a doubt whose ass was going to get kicked in this? I mean David Carradine? Really? Just because he played a chinamen on TV we're supposed to believe he's tough. McQuade is my favorite Chuck Norris role.
Why its underrated: Chuck Norris doesn't not get the respect he deserves for making a whole bunch of bankable movies where he always kicks ass, but this movie is truly underrated even for Norris. The guy is a bad ass, acts better then have the pussies in hollywood and is a good conservative.
I had to look through a few clips to find my favorites from this movie but here is a youtube that breaks down the entire movie in ten minutes. If you don't want to watch the entire thing then watch the opening minute and a half, go up to the 6:15 mark for the "this is my invitation" scene then watch the last three minutes. If you don't think this is classic cinema then you have a huge dump in your pants.
2) Remo Williams, The Adventure Begins (Star: Fred Ward, Hotchick: None) Fred Ward is a cop who is trained in the Korean are of sinaju. Sinaju is an ancient are of assassination where the victim looks like they died in an accident. Chun is the master of sinaju They are after an evil arms dealer (is there another kind?).
Why its underrated. Are you kidding me? Remo walks on sand, can poke his fingers through military goggles and floats across concrete. Need I say more. BTW, Remo Williams was nominated for an Acadamy Award. This is how much I hate Hollywood. If ever a movie needed a sequel, it was this one. They even have "The adventure begins" in the flippin title and they only give my one movie. Assmunches. Wilford Brimley is Remo's boss making him the only two time entry in the top ten. Here is the other reason its great. Bullet dodging.
1) Streets of Fire (1984 Star: Michael Pare, Super hotchick extraordinaire, the extremely beautimously fantastic Diane Lane) Pare must rescue Diane Lane from Willem Dafoe. Nuff said. Lane is super rock star Ellen Aim of Ellen Aim and the Destroyers. Pare was a big star in the 80's, he is about as good an actor as Keanu Reeves or Ben Affleck but he did star in 10 movies in the 80's and over 20 in the 90's. He rescues Diane Lane as damn well he should have. But he is the quinessential man's man and leaves her with her manager/boyfriend Rick Moranis (yeah, cause that would happen in real life)
Why its underrated: two words DIANE LANE. I thought she was cute in "Six Pack" with Kenny Rogers but she has sex appeal coming from every direction in this flick. Oh and Michael Pare has a great line "The only trouble with beating the shit out of you is that it would be too easy.
Here's the opening scene.
Well that's it. The ten most underrated action/adventure movies of all time. Please, this list is not open to debate.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
This first one is from a website called "The Pitch" its about cockfighting and it has excerpts from an actual magazine that was solely dedicated to cockfighting. Thanks to Deadspin for the headsup.
There is no fear in this dojo.
From Holy Taco, here is a list of the top ten fast food side orders. Very debatable as I haven't eaten at half the places on this list.
Holy Taco also had this link to the best answer ever on Jeopardy. I saw this a couple of weeks ago somewhere else.
The 10 reasons why islam is not the religion of peace from "The Religion of Peace."
The hottest women celebrities under 25 courtesy of Sugarslam. Yowza.
Kim du Toit, a great former blogger, wrote a wonderful essay on the pussification of the western male. You're gonna love it.
That should keep you busy for a while.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
I wish I could sing and play a musical instrument. Do you know how many women dig that? Come on!! Lyle Lovitt has seen Julia Roberts naked. Naked I tell you! And that's when she was top form. Lyle Lovitt couldn't pick up a drunk Roseanne Barr if he couldn't sing. He looks like he got beat up with a sock full of hot nickels.
I think that "1941" is one of the funniest movies from the 80's. Very underrated. Is it possible that the humor is too sophisticated for the average movie watcher?
I recently read this "If you want justice, go to the whorehouse. If you want screwed, go to the courthouse." Its wise in its way.
Will Rogers never met Bobbie Hauck.
I have a hard time putting the pictures where I want them.
If liberals believed in religion, they would all be muslims. It fits their belief system so much better than Christianity. But even islam will never replace the self-worshiping narcissism which is one of the four cornerstones of liberalism.
If I'm picking the top 100 athletes of the 20th century, Michael Jordan would be lucky to be in the top twenty. Babe Ruth is number one, then Carl Lewis. Michael Jordan is higher than Jack Nicklaus but well behind Secretariat.
Every year I tell myself I'm going to buy Christmas presents early so I don't have to shop in December. Next year I'm definitely going to do that. I think. Hopefully.
Why doesn't Hollywood make good westerns anymore? Open Range was OK. Duvall was great but Costner was so wooden you could hardly see the strings move. Don't give me 3:12 to Yuma either. That was a remake. I want an original. And yes, I do have a big problem with the crap they put out. And yes I'm going to constantly bitch about.
There should be a stoplight at College and 11th. There should have been on there 20 years ago. But in Bozeman, they are more worried about putting down brick pedestrian crossings so you can fall on your ass and get run over than they are keeping traffic moving.
It never fails to amaze me how many games that humans can invent. No matter what part of the planet you live, there is a game that people play. Maybe if we spent as much time trying to come up with alternative fuel as we do having fun. Screw it. I have pool to practice.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Some are really good, they all run about 2 minutes. You'll definitely know the theme music for the original.
Brokeback to the Future
Starwars: The Empire Brokeback
Brokeback of the Ring
The Brokeback Redemption
Pirates of the Brokebackbean
And lastly, Brokeback Gump. I love youtube.
What else do you want for free?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
SOUTH BEND, Ind. -- Charlie Weis will return for a fifth year as Notre Dame's football coach despite posting his second straight disappointing season.
A very generous usage of the word "disappointing" if you're an ND fan. I was disappointed as well. I didn't think they would win 5 games.
Weis has seven years left on a 10-year contract signed midway through his first season.
Athletic director Jack Swarbrick said following Notre Dame's 38-3 loss to USC on Saturday that he would evaluate Weis' performance. Both men were out of town Wednesday.
Every coach in the nation should be asking Charlie who is agent is. The biggest trick in history is the devil convincing us he doesn't exist. The second biggest is Charlie Weiss getting his contract extension.
"Though this past season fell short of the expectations that all of us have for our football program, I am confident that Charlie has a strong foundation in place for future success and that the best course of action is to move forward under his leadership," Swarbrick said Wednesday in a statement released by the university.
Wow. This Swarbrick is two things: A) an optimist, and B) mentally retarded when it comes to evaluating his football program.
"He, I and the others involved in leading our football program are committed to doing everything necessary to ensure a successful 2009 season. We are examining every aspect of the program and will make changes wherever we think they are needed."
Well, the one aspect you didn't examine very closely is the coaching aspect, but I digress.
The decision to keep Weis was first reported by several media outlets Tuesday night.
As opposed to those who said is job was in jeopardy including the WWL.
Weis will have another shot at trying to return Notre Dame to prominence after posting back-to-back seasons of 3-9 and 6-6. The 15 losses are the most by Notre Dame in a two-year span.
The former New England Patriots offensive coordinator has a record of 28-21 in four years, a .571 winning percentage. That's slightly worse than his two predecessors, Tyrone Willingham and Bob Davie.
Anyone else notice a trend here? The longer old Lardass is at the helm, the worse his record gets. Hmmmmmmm. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!
Weis, though, also led the Irish to BCS bowls in his initial two seasons at Notre Dame, first to the Fiesta Bowl then to the Sugar Bowl. The Irish are expected to go to a lower-level bowl this year.
Davie got the Irish to the Fiesta Bowl in 2000, Notre Dame's only BCS appearance in his five years as coach. The only bowl the Irish went to during Willingham's three years as coach was in 2002 to the Gator Bowl.
ND hasn't deserved a BCS bid since I had hair and it was its beautiful dark brown. Almost chocolate covered. So manageable and soft. sigh.
The decision to keep Weis is the first big decision in the tenure of Swarbrick, who took over the job in August.
Kevin White, his predecessor left like a rat off a sinking ship.
Swarbrick said on Nov. 12 that he looked forward to Weis "being the head coach for a long time." But after an embarrassing 24-23 loss to Syracuse, the first time in its storied history that Notre Dame had fallen to an eight-loss team, and getting trounced by rival USC for the sixth time in seven straight losses to the Trojans, Swarbrick said he wouldn't comment on Weis' status until he had time to review the season.
Charlie Weiss sets yet another standard in futility.
Last season's triple-overtime loss to Navy ended an NCAA-record 43-game winning streak over the Midshipmen, and a pair of 38-0 losses to Michigan and USC were among the embarrassing defeats of the past two seasons.
The rest of the embarrassing losses being to numerous to mention.
In Weis' four seasons, only eight of Notre Dame's 28 victories came against teams that finished the season with a winning record. The Irish have recently gone 1-16 against teams that finished with a winning record.
Mental note to self, "1-16 against teams with a winning record". Let us not forget that they had the 67th easiest schedule in the FBS this year and went 6-6. Barely.
The wins against quality teams have been scarce. Notre Dame beat No. 3 Michigan in Weis' second game as coach, but the Wolverines finished 7-5 that season. His only victory against a team that finished a season ranked in the Top 25 was a 41-17 win over a Penn State squad that finished 2006 ranked No. 24.
Damn, I didn't think he had a victory over a school that finished in the top 25.
His finest moment as Irish coach came midway through his first season, when the Irish were 12-point underdogs to top-ranked USC. He worked Notre Dame fans into a frenzy that week and held the weekly pep rally outside at Notre Dame Stadium and 45,000 people attended. The Trojans narrowly won when Reggie Bush pushed Matt Leinart into the end zone with 3 seconds left.
In a game that wasn't that close BTW. A game that ND fans were calling "the greatest of all time" even though they lost and a season where, once again, ND was crushed in a BCS bowl that they didn't deserve to play in after a fake season of beating patsies.
Weis, who originally signed a five-year contract, was rewarded the next week with a 10-year contract that started with the 2006 season.
Again, all coaches should have this guy as their agent.
Information from The Associated Press was used in this report.
As far as ND keeping old Dunlap as their coach, well, this song says it all for me.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Thanksgiving was great. Shot some pheasants. Drank a lot of The Prodigy's scotch which is never a bad thing. Got to watch Alabama win, ND lose and listen to Mack Brown whine.
Anyway, I partied with Hollywood movie stars and polo champions all the while maintaining my grace and dignity.
Enjoy this story from the blog Turico Suave. With a name like that, it has to be funny.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
SOUTH BEND, Ind. -- Notre Dame football players were pelted by snowballs from fans sitting in the student section during their loss to Syracuse on Saturday.
"To throw snowballs at their own team, I didn't think that was a smart thing to do. I guess [they thought] it was funny," defensive tackle Pat Kuntz said after Syracuse upset the Irish 24-23.
South Bend was hit with about 10 inches of snow Friday. While the field had been cleared before the game, there was still snow along the fringes and in some areas of the stands.
Fans at first threw snow in the air, but then quickly switched to tossing snowballs toward the Notre Dame sideline. Defensive lineman Ian Williams got hit in the helmet, defensive end Ethan Johnson was struck on the left cheek and a St. Joseph County police officer on the sideline looking into the crowd got hit in the chest. An NBC camera man also was a frequent target and several snowballs reached the field, although none landed near where play was occurring.
When the Irish defense held a meeting on the sideline, injured linebacker Brian Smith stood on a bench to try to shield his teammates. But when a snowball hit Kuntz, he stood and faced the crowd and appeared to challenge whoever threw it to come down on the field.
"I was pretty mad about that, but whatever the fans want to do," Kuntz, a senior who was playing his last game at Notre Dame Stadium, said flatly.
At least one fan was seen being led away by police.
Please, please keep Charlie Weiss as your head coach. I love how ND fans are still defending him. He is a talentless charlatan. He can't recruit, despite what rivals.com and ND fans may think. He can't coach and is proving that every weekend. More and more alum are becoming disgruntled and now fans are throwing snowballs at their own players. Absolutely classic. What a proud institution.
The worst two year span in school history. Weiss makes Faust look like Knute Rockne. Be patient alumni. Let Charlie stay one more year, maybe two. By then your significance in college football will be so obsolete that even NBC will be having second thoughts.
Face it Irish fans, its time to join the Big 10. Players don't want to go to South Bend so that they can play against Navy and Stanford. Its a dive with no women. Unless there are season long rivalries and you are playing for something besides your BCS autobid, this will continue to be a trend.
Notre Dame is now just a mark on the schedule. When teams look and say "well we have ND this week but the real test is next week when we play Central Michigan" you know your program has fallen.
The mystique is gone. It was over hyped the last 30 years anyway. If you can't deal with it, then you have a big dump in your pants.
I found a sight called "Asylum" and took some of their lists and posted them here. These are pretty good. Enjoy.
Ooops. Before I forget, there might not be a "Top Chef" post this week. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Disappointing I know. It depends what time I get to Sheridan. I'll watch it on a rerun later and post then if I have to. My dedication to pointles drivel that no one cares about except me is boundless.
Church signs: http://www.asylum.com/2008/11/25/bizarre-church-signs-read-the-writing-on-the-wall/
Amazing feats of survivol: http://www.asylum.com/2008/10/09/amazing-feats-of-survival/
Here's a list of fringe presidential candidates. Even the blogosphere is becoming liberally biased. Barry Hussein isn't on here: http://www.asylum.com/2008/11/04/fringe-presidential-candidates-change-were-all-afraid-of/
Former beauty queens, now and then: http://www.asylum.com/2008/09/12/famous-former-beauty-queens-where-were-they-then/
We will keep trying.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Is there any doubt that if Bobbie Hauck had been a member of the Cobra Kai dojo, he would sweep the leg without hesitation?
Why do Europe and the U.S. have different shoe sizes? Don't give me the metric system either Maybe Europeans are so got up in the "big feet" lore that the have a larger system. They're too stupid to know that big feet just mean big shoes.
I do not believe that you will be able to walk into the Scoop and still not smell like smoke after Jan 9th, 2009. There is so much residual smoke in everything there that you will always smell it in your clothes.
Why doesn't anyone count back change anymore? It's not that hard.
I agree with whoever said, "if there aren't dogs in heaven, then I don't know if I want to go."
When I talk, does it sound like I have a Wisconsin accent?
I'm glad that Ford doesn't make airplanes.
I found some pictures on the internet of bigfoot talking a bath. If I sent it to the Hutterites do you think they'd get the message?
I came up with the invention of the two-strap golf bag at the Sleeping Buffalo in 1983. The next vision I have like that I will definitely take advantage of. I think I invented the the drink hole on the styrofoam cups as well, but that might have been Rex Kaufman.
The only good thing about the merger between Sirius and XM is that I should be able to get NASCAR on the radio again for next season. Other than that the Sirius music stations suck.
If you thought there was a racial divide in this country before November 4th, wait until after the inauguration. If "The Messiah" doesn't play his cards right, this country will be divided and financially crippled irreversibly.
The biggest problem facing this country isn't the financial crisis but the way people choose to be informed. Laziness breeds ignorance and ignorant people shouldn't be allowed to vote. Or reproduce.
I hate that I'm 45 and still get zits.
I don't like having to trim hair off of my ears.
If you want to find a good employee, ask prospects if they've ever had a paper route. If you can deliver papers at 5 AM during a blizzard, you are dependable.
According to my brother Bill, you know you are hungover when bacon doesn't taste good.
Defining friendship is one of the most important things you will do with your life. Have good definition of what a true friend is and you will have plenty. Regardless of who makes the cut, treat people the way you want to be treated. Until they are rude to you, then tell them they are pricks and go about your business.
My friend John Craig told me a few years ago that he had seen my ex-wife. He said she had put on some weight. I told him if she got hit by a bus, I'd get both my wishes.
I'll be on the way to Sheridan for Thanksgiving. Going to see The Prodigy's new baby and shoot some pheasants. If I don't post for a couple of days, that is why.
Root agains Nebraska on Friday and Notre Dame on Saturday. Hope Texas State upsets the griz. Most importantly, find the little things to be thankful for. A dry warm house, a full belly, cable, whatever. Remember that most of the world will never have these so make sure that you look at the big picture.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Well that picture pretty much sums up this past Saturday. Five turnovers? The Cats wouldn't beat Malta if they turned the ball over five times.
The Cats had their chances earlier. Going for it on 4th and 2 for a touchdown may have been a wrong call. I say may have as I was calling for it all the way. Not giving the ball to DC four times was definitely the wrong call. The kid ran it 80 yards, let him run it the rest of the way. Christsakes!!
The griz took advantage and played great. Are they the 4th best team in the country? Well, they were the second best in the conference so I guess the immediate answer to this is "no." I do think they will make it to the second round of the playoffs. They are chipped up in the secondary and at wideout so their chances to make a deep run will depend as much on luck as anything. However, there never seems to be a shortage of that in Missoula. The Reynolds kid ran hard but I guess he didn't really scare me. I don't think that as the level of difficulty increases, he will be as much of a factor as he was coming into the Cat/griz.
The griz put together a great drive to start the fourth, just as I had predicted. Not going for it start the fourth quarter was probably the biggest mistake Coach Ash made. I'm sorry, but you're down 18 on the road and getting some points there was imperative to any chance we had. Instead of punting he should have just walked out to the 50, shook Bobbies' hand and headed for the bus.
It would be nice to see Coach Ash grasp the full context of what this game means. I'm not going to be overly critical because I didn't think Mike gave this game as much meaning as it deserved as well. I will give it to Bobbie for beating us as badly as he did. If given the chance, I hope Rob repays the favor, and soon.
Good luck to Texas State this weekend. They are Bobcats as well. Maybe I can post a better picture next week.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Question: What's the hardest part about being a griz fan?
Answer: Telling your dad that your gay.
If you've been paying any attention to the BSC this year, and if you read this then you have been, the dark pink are playing pretty good football right now. Couple that with the fact that they still have an outside chance to tie for the conference title and that this game is in heart of communist Montana, then trust me when I say that they will come out very ready to play football.
Bobbie Hauck, head coach, um (do you know how long I had to look for this? about 20 seconds. Looks just like him except this guy has a smaller nose.)
The griz have a lot at stake this Saturday. A loss would certainly drop them in the national rankings and probably make them go on the road for a playoff game. I guarantee that they get a home game in the first round and they are certainly going to the playoffs, but a loss against the Cats might make them leave Missoula for round two.
That leads to me a different point. The Roberta lead griz have been beaten 3 times in the first round the last 5 years. They have become very good at being one and done. Yes, griz fans talk about how they play Thanksgiving weekend and we don't. But what they won't tell you is that the stands aren't full and they don't win. The letter that I posted yesterday was well researched but it makes almost every point I've been making about ol' hooknose for the last 5 years. Hell, Earl Somonson could win the conference there. Well, maybe.
Back to the game. It's cliche to say what I'm going to say but it's also the truth. There are four things the Cats need to do Saturday to even have a chance of winning. The first thing is that they cannot turn the ball over. We might be able to give them one but more than that will all but seal our fate. This isn't NAU or PSU. If we turn the ball over more than once, we lose. Plain and simple. The other three things won't even matter. The Cats have seven turnovers the last two games. Yes, they have a pick six in there, and they've been great at converting these into points the last two games but this is in Missoula. The griz feast on turnovers. 25,000 screaming hippies get them pretty riled up. So hang onto the ball.
Second we have to establish the run and do it early. I know everyone is excited because Marc Desin is starting in Missoula and the comparisons are being made to Lulay and he's a Montana boy but we have to run. The line has to get it together and do it on our first possession. If we can run on NAU we should be able to run on the griz. Run establishes play action, which will really make Desin effective. Demetrius is already fired up to play these guys. I also think that CJ has been kept in check long enough. Mix it up. I love the twin back formation that I called for four weeks ago. They must have read it on Chipshots.
Third we have to stop their running game. This kid from Drummond is playing like a man possessed and I'm sure he's as amped up as DC. We have to stop him and do it early. I know that Berquist is tough. Hell, I think he's the best QB in the BSC but if they get the run going then it's going to be tough for us just like it will be for them. I like our chances against slowing them down. I do think they will come out throwing. Our coverage has really improved the last couple of games but they have outstanding wideouts. We have to put pressure on Berquist. This means bringing the heat and bringing it often.
Last, we have to be ahead going into the fourth quarter. This isn't an option. If the griz aren't running early in the game you can damn sure bet they will be in the fourth especially if they have the lead. The boys aren't deep enough on defense with the injuries they have to go into the fourth.
Regardless the outcome, this has been a great year for the Cats. They effectively ruined their playoff chances when they lost to Eastern but they've run off four in a row and have shown a lot more emotion then they did in the two losses.
The point spread is currently the griz +15. Take the Cats and the points if you get the chance. Oh, and Coach Ash, if you get the chance to beat them badly, please by all means do it. Send Bobbie and the dark pink to the playoffs hanging their heads. And while your at it, show the rest of the state and the doubters that you are the man. Because you are.
I'd rather have a sister who works in a whore house than a brother who is a grizzly fan!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wouldn't root for the grizzlies if they were playing Iraq!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I've left the name off this letter intentionally. Thanks to Brian A for the email.
BOBBY HAUCK - THE FINAL CASE AGAINST -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've grown weary of the Hauck family members and those with no ability to look inside the numbers showing up here and trying to foist that hack on this program, thus it's time to outline what truly has occurred in Montana and why he would fail miserably in Seattle.
Let’s have a look at the evolution of the Montana program. They rarely won anything of real value in football up until 1991 when a man who had failed miserably at Oregon and Portland State ran headlong into one of the most incredible pieces of luck a coach has ever encountered. A dozer operator turned billionaire decided that he was tired of watching games while perched on rusted out benches and made it a point to turn Montana into a massive power in their division by fronting the cash for what would be one of (if certainly not the best) venues in the country at that level.
The stadium opened up in 1986 and Don Read went from 6-4 to 6-5 to 8-4 to 11-3. Every kid in Montana and the surrounding area wanted to play there, and the word was getting out to those with skills who might have been passed over, tossed away, or never found. Read had his usual lull for a few years thereafter (not even MT could contain his odd ability to sink in sand) until the recruiting had become so easy that even he could maintain the W/L record at 10+ every year.
He won the National Championship in 1995. Don frickin’ Read. Was it his great coaching? Of course not. The guy’s track record before he got that stadium made Willingham’s read like a dream. He retired as a comical hero, never seeming to fully understanding or perhaps acknowledge that he could write all the passing books in the world, but that would never change the fact that he was a pure hack before they laid the stone on the new field.
A Neanderthal from the central regions took over the reigns and proceeded to pull out a picture of that stadium each time he needed to recruit a new linebacker. He went to the playoffs each year and tanked the Championship game in 1996 – on the fumes of the Read team, of course. See where this is heading? Mick Dennehy felt haughty, he felt invincible, he felt he could win anywhere. Utah State fired him after a few years, and last I heard he was an admin. for some Podunk town near the big river.
Enter Cowboy Joe Glenn. A guy with a proven record of winning at two different levels. A guy who could charm and recruit with the best of them. Not that this was essential as even he realized that the $ Montana could put forth each year to subsidize the playoffs almost guaranteed and appearance. Play the usual patsies, beat up on the joke of a conference you were in, and raise hell when the real season arrived.
Hired guns now started looking to Montana as the Best of the Best of Last Chances. Ex-BYU ringer and QB Drew Miller made the competition look like the joke you would expect and, even after losing him, Glen still made it to the Quarters before pulling a Dennehy and heading to another hell hole that would give him little chance to succeed.
Montana yet again needed a new coach. Who better than an unproven assistant best known for being Rick Neuheisel’s bagman. The guy who was one of the first on the phones to Colorado and amassing violations the second he stepped foot in Washington air space. What the hell? He was from Montana, and the process of selecting a coach who had actually shown he could win the truly important games was simply unnecessary. Hell, Ty Willingham could bring the best to the school now. What could possibly go wrong and why does Hauck suck when it comes right down to it?
Let’s start with the number of the conference Montana plays in. A quick check at CFB DW and some rapid # crunching shows that the teams in the Big Sky conference are a combined 186-245 during the first 5 years of Hauck’s stint. The teams are 43-45 this year thus all holds up nicely for our purposes.
186-245…….. This doesn’t even include the laughable non-conference games they play against the likes of Fort Lewis and Southern Utah. With competition like this is it any wonder that a school that even remotely cares about giving money to its football program could end up with a reasonable record, win the conference, and get to the playoffs almost every year? Certainly not.
What has he done with this gold-plated currency in his 5 years? 3 1st-round playoff failures, one semifinal, and one appearance in the championship game in 2004 on the backs of Joe Glenn’s recruits. This is a horrid performance when you consider the fact that Montana holds all of the advantages. When you lose to Wofford? at home after having yet another “fabulous” regular season of 11-1 you have some serious issues.
Do you like thugs? Do you think we should even consider hiring someone who has the slightest tinge of difficulty with felons after what transpired the past few years? If you do, then Bobby is certainly your guy.
Let’s start with J.D. Drew. JD was a beast of a lineman best known for cribbing checks he hadn’t earned. Bobby was all over his ass to get him to Missoula, despite other stories of idiocy and a known incident involving booze. Guess what? Drew managed to get himself 2 more DUI’s during his tenure at MT, he weaseled his way out of both, and Bobby still thinks he should be on the team. This we can do without.
How about curb stompings? Just last month 3 idiots who think they run that school got caught on camera sucker punching and gang smashing a kid. These guys had barely been on campus for a month. Hauck tried to write it off as not a big deal. Well, Bob, the problem is that you have been running a dirty program now for some time and have clearly hit the “lack of institutional control” point of your career long before this.
A guy named Jimmy Wilson decided it was OK to blow away someone rather than let the system do its thing. Nice thought, but not the way to approach things.
His good buddy Quentin Freeman was another piece of work who has a record stretching from Arizona to the NW. Hauck had to admit he knew his record but clearly the thought of getting another Pac-10 dropdown overrode anything else.
How about the 3 players who were popped for kidnapping, burglary, assault with a deadly weapon, and robbery? Bobby claimed that he was “sickened” but he has used this word in the past regarding his thugs and undoubtedly will again very soon as he just keeps bringing them in.
Numerous other stories, publicly known and well-known to those with ties to the program, make you wonder how the idiot still has a gig. Do you want the Times back up the ass of the program in very short order? Call for Hauck as the next coach.
Do we really need to even get into his issues with recruiting violations? He was Rick’s point man in Colorado, people. Nothing changed when he came here and he certainly has not learned his lesson since then.
It’s really quite simple, people. The UM administration always looks to hire from the state if at all possible. Bobby Hauck was brought on because he happened to be from Montana and had experience shoveling for a coach with some success. He inherited a program that had been to the playoffs 10 years in a row and had just come off a Championship 2 years earlier. He walked into what is almost without question the nicest stadium in 1-AA – ask those who are calling for a new Husky Stadium how important that is in recruiting the best. His predecessor did far more in 3 years than he has accomplished in 5+, yet for some reason people feel that he should take over the reins of a truly storied program because he has won against a putrid Big Sky with insane resources at his disposal. Flash: every coach there does that now and will continue to do so after he is no longer there.
Hauck is not and never will be the guy to lead this team. Willingham would have about the same record at Montana, and I guarantee Hauck would do about as well here as Ty.