I'm a daily reader of Tyler Durden over at What Would Tyler Durden Do. I think the dude is funny as hell so every once in a while I'm going to post a list of his best quotes from my readings. Enjoy.
Regarding Seinfeld's new show The Marriage Ref "The show is filled with comedians so it should be funny, but also exciting, because the loser is fed to a giant snake."
About Whitney Houston not being able to sing that great anymore "The song is famous for the huge ending, but that was before Whitney spent 10 years smoking crack, which doesn’t have as many vitamins and minerals as you might think."
To George Clooney and his beautiful girlfriend "I think I speak for all of us when I say that George Clooney and his fabulous life can go fuck themselves."
About Megan Fox's boyfriend "Hey does anyone know how to cut the brake lines on a car? Hypothetically speaking of course."
About Snookie from Jersey Shore "Sometimes this website gets accused of being unfairly negative, so I wanted to say something nice about Snooki after she wore a bikini on Miami beach this weekend. It was a big challenge, and I was not up to it, so the nicest observation I could come up with is that you could prolly pick her up by her ankles and swing her around and use her as a weapon if it came down to it."
About Comedy Central editing the South Park Muhammed episode "The rumor is that the headquarters all have executive changing stations in case the people who run the network soil their diaper whenever a bumble bee chases them or the phone rings unexpectedly."
About Vicoria Secret models "Is there anything better than a hot girl with big boobs walking around in a bikini? Yeah, you bet there is. As long as you’re a fag."
On Charlie Sheen being a moron "Charlie Sheen didn’t want to be recognized. So he shaved his head. Now he looks like Charlie Sheen with a shaved head. Ta-da. When this doesn’t work we’ll probably see him walking toward his $90,000 Porsche in a karate outfit and pushing up the skin on either side of his eyes. And he’ll fully expect the paparazzi to say, “Hey lets ask that karate expert if he’s seen Charlie Sheen.” And Sheen will say, “Ching chong chow, me no Engrish!” But he’ll be thinking, “Hehehe, little do they know that I’M Charlie Sheen. And I’m escaping right under their noses.”
More on (or is it moron, get it? I'm funny kind of like Tyler) Charlie Sheen "I’m not even sure what the hell he’s charged with in this Christmas day thing, but I’m 100 percent certain that he’s guilty and he should be sentenced to hang. A big slice of Humble Pie is just what this character needs."
On women "But then again I have a great deal of respect for women. I’m currently single, and my hobbies include crunches and listening to stories about how someones day went. Call me, ladies!"
On getting Chinese tattoos "Like all those poser jerkoffs who get ‘Power’ or some shit like that in Chinese tatted on their neck. Chinese doesn’t work like that. You can’t have words by themselves with no context. UFC heavyweight Frank Mir is a fuckin bad ass, and I’m sure he thinks he has ‘warrior’ written in ink, but it could also mean ‘bodyguard’ or ‘servant’. Or ‘maid’. Look out everyone. The maid looks pissed. Maybe he could change his pre-fight music to ‘Coward of the County’ by Kenny Rogers too. Make his scary image complete. "
On Heidi Montags sexual harrassment charge "This is what happens when you elect a bunch of pussy democrats. Barry Goldwater would have had a good laugh about this lawsuit, then slapped her on the ass and said, “get along now, little lady.” Because he was a man."