I wish I was this good.

This letter was in today's Chronicle. This guy knocks it out of the park. I especially like the Jonestown reference.

Barack, Michelle and the girls are choosing a dog for the White House. Breed and symbolism are very important, and that is why I suggest that the Obamas choose a very specific dog — a pit bull and Chihuahua mix with three legs from a New York rescue kennel. It’s been a “problem dog” ever since it inappropriately growled at the TV whenever George Bush was on, and defecated on anything having to do with Bush.

What should the Obamas name this dog? That’s an easy one. “Media” in honor of the ever unquestioned loyalty of the U.S. Media to Obama and the thrill Media had run up its leg whenever Obama delivered a scripted missive. The mix is symbolic of the rare combination of lap-dog passivity to the Obamas and the snarling attitude that Media displays whenever confronting a Republican.

The missing leg symbolizes “integrity” — something the Media lost a long time ago.

Media’s tricks? The remarkable ability to roam Obama’s neighborhood, discover the bones of scandal in Barack’s closet and then bury them away in the backyard so they never ever see the light of day.

And the Jonestown-like loyalty Media displays towards its master is legendary, as best represented by its ability to make potty four years ago on newsprint containing the headlines: “Republicans spending $42 million on inauguration while troops die in unarmored Humvees” and “Bush extravagance exceeds any reason during tough economic times.” Today Media pants, wanting only to be petted by Obama, while it sits obediently on headlines reading, “Historic Obama inauguration will cost only $120 million,” “Obama spends $120 million on inauguration; America needs a big party,” and “Citibank executives contribute $8 million to Obama inauguration.” The nation gets the “First Dog” it deserves and Media is his name (conceptual attribution to www.peoplescube.com).